Surviving marital separation. Forward this to anyone recently separated. First things u need to do

let's read a letter from a viewer who

wanted some advice about some things and

I thought I would answer it online and

he doesn't mind if I do that I have his

permission to do so

good morning fine sir

I trust your week was well mine of

course has been a rollercoaster at this

moment I am calm and pissed at the same

time how's that possible right I am

coming to terms with my blue pill past

albeit slowly and yet at the same time

reeling with a host of what the [ __ ] the

ex has been gone for a few days now she

may be with family or friends I really

don't know and I don't care I have

tracked many stats on what is going on

in my body for some time the crazy thing

is watching my blood pressure my heart

rate calorie intake and he says in

parentheses Nutrisystem has nothing on

the weight-loss of divorced true move

with the emotions of the week looking

back at the history I think I think

maybe my body knew things before my head

did and yes in this case both of them I

ordered in red your helpful rules for

life after divorce that was a little a

book that I wrote I'll put a link for

that down below for those that are

divorced two rules caused me to pause

and take inventory rule number two

carefully reflect on how you deal with

conflict and pain along with rule number

three start to evaluate what you really

want and need in a relationship with men

and with women I am still shedding

things mentally and physically working

to shake off the philosophy I bought and

lived hook line and sinker some men have

reached out to offer some support all

but one are betas it's now odd watching

men trying to explain to me that somehow

a life of limited or in my case no sex

and saying yes dear all the time is okay

so [ __ ] sad now to hear them

say it's manly I have so much to learn

and unlearn I have listened to Rollo

Tomassi second book maybe two or three

times now I started listening to

Russia's new book and all I can say is I

truly did not know anything except what

women taught me and beta men reinforced

strange enough while dealing with all

the logistics of change I have created I

needed to make some changes to a cell

plan which could not be handled online

instead of me walking up to the pretty

girl for help and following her around

after I caught myself doing so I chose

to go back or I started and stand in

place and have her come to me which she

did with a warm smile I know some may

say it's just her job but at that moment

I took a baby step and I feel like I

gained a small grain of my manhood back

I don't want to become some prudish dick

after getting to the place where things

feel more level I also don't know how or

if I should have a real conversation

with my grown kids and what does that

even look like my son who is 27 with a

wife and a nine-year-old child witnessed

a raw episode of my decision to leave

with his stepmother because he came to

challenge what I was doing you could see

the anger in his eyes the accusations of

affairs or another woman being involved

was supported by the ex's demeanor and I

don't know why he is choosing to do this

in broken disbelief I watched her lie to

him right in front of me and I lost it

that's when I laid it all out for him to

see I'm so sorry that he saw that side

of me or maybe I'm not so he would take

inventory of his life with his wife and


he gets browbeat a lot too more my fault

I am sure after watching me be a beta

[ __ ] for so long he did later catch up

with me for dinner and drinks and

nothing was discussed about the day he

later texted and said we will get

through this you have your health and

people that love you too which I broke

down and

cried as you can read I'm all over the

place in this process thank you for

allowing me to stay in touch which I

encouraged your email was another moment

I felt I was finally allowed to tell the

truth and not hide behind another female

beta card of compliance and there's so

many I'm very grateful so I'm starting

from Ground Zero any recommendation I am

open to accept returning to the ex that

relationship is done I wish her well

whatever she becomes it will be without

me thank you

and grateful and that he gives his name

breaking up with someone even if you

initiated it is never easy to do people

think that there's pain just from being

broken up with but when you have to make

a decision to leave somebody and

distance yourself you are still

disrupting behavior patterns in your own

life it you know I've heard people say

it takes about 21 days I've heard people

say 30 days to create new habits if you

get up at let's say 5 o'clock every day

for 21 days on day number 22 it's gonna

feel weird to want to sleep late you'll

be just getting up so there's so many

behaviors and so many nuances and so

many things that you now have in your

life that are part of your life with her

so literally everything it's almost as

if there was a script it has to be torn

up and a new script has to be written

and you are the main actor in that

script so now the thing is this you have

to write your behavior write your

reactions pre-plan your reactions

because it's not over till it's

completely over and you are in

completely different lives in different

directions so rather than being caught

off guard by your emotions because she's

gonna throw curve balls at you that you

never ever expected

and unless you master your own responses

and I tell people the only way to master

things is to pre-plan those responses

because many times you create layers of

difficulty with your responses so first

thing take care of yourself you need to

sleep you need to eat you need to be

hydrated that's absolutely key exercise

is a great stress reliever alcohol is

not keep that in mind

alcohol might calm you down mellow you

out but it disrupts your sleep it's not

good for you when you're going through

grief and it compounds your problems and

then you might say or do things when

you're under the influence evenly under

the influence of one or two drinks that

you could end up regretting and then

you're another layer of removed from the

original problem another thing you need

to do is pre-plan your grief for

instance if it's a situation where you

are brought to tears I would say

pre-plan the crying time if that makes

any sense now some people might say you

know Sultan you talk about being a stoic

a stoic does not mean you are denying

your emotions it means you are delaying

your emotions you remember the story I

told I would get on the Pennsylvania

Turnpike and I had to drive two exits

and I use that as my grieving time in

the morning when I saw the sign like two

miles until the exit where I got off of

the Turnpike that's when I just started

like wiping my eyes but I used that like

15 minutes in the morning if I had to

cry I did but it was a finite period so

I didn't have this free-floating grief

throughout the day if your pre-planned

grieving time is going to be at night

let it be in your pillow scream pound do

whatever you got to do

beat the bed for many people working out

helps but the last thing you want to do

is be like doing curls at the gym and

then just start crying so but don't

neglect your body because letting steam

off through working out is also very

beneficial for you so those are just

some basic things that I want you to do

to help you make it through this period

until the script till the other actors

in the script are completely eliminated

and a new script for your life is

written and it's going to take a while

until a new script is written you need

to stay on schedule stay structured

don't abuse yourself you can allow other

women to help you heal I belong to a

divorce group where they said oh you

shouldn't be dating anyone else I said

[ __ ] I actually had to leave the

group because I didn't I didn't believe

that and then a lot of times people who

are going through men who are going

through divorce are viewed as predators

and churches and different types of

groups so don't wear your separation and

divorce on your sleeve because you're

gonna have the you know like the scarlet

letter addi for divorce or a P for

predator that type of thing and

everybody knows that men who are newly

separated are you know quote unquote

predatorial I don't say that but that's

what a lot of people think so what you

want to do is allow what I say is don't

shut people out I like to say have a

semipermeable heart which allows love to

come out and still allows you to receive

love so if that means and I'm not

talking about falling in love with

anybody I'm talking about if you want to

go and meet a woman for coffee and just

have a feminine presence in your life

women do complement the masculine psyche

the body

it doesn't have to lead to anything it

can be coffee sometimes coffee is just

coffee not everything has to lead to the

sack so those are just some things that

I think would be helpful for you as

you're going through this period of time

it's a transition there is a learning

curve it doesn't happen overnight and

just like any pain in general it

decreases a little bit every day every

day every day every day and you start to

feel normal after a period of time but

until you can feel normal you have to

kind of fake normal and go through the

emotions I think that's a big thing that

most separated and divorced guys have to

get through their heads that it's gonna

take time don't jump into another

relationship don't complicate your life

with any excessive alcohol or drug use

take care of things like proper diet

hydration sleep make sure that you're

getting your body in the shape there's

no better time to get yourself into

shape there's some no better time to put

an extra crease in your shirts and look

better groom yourself better than you

ever have

that's a good start I hope that helps

you and for any other people that are

watching this I'm gonna put a couple

links down below that might be helpful

for you hang in there

life gets better takes a little bit of

time for the dark clouds to move away

from you you'll be fine