hi guys welcome back to my channel it's

so strange I'm recording so few videos

now it feels weird to be in front of the

camera again but nevertheless I'm here

to update you on what is going on with

our first round of IVF so the last time

I checked in with you guys we were still

waiting on test results for our one

embryo that made it through the five

days post retrieval ended up taking

weeks and weeks and weeks I think it was

like seven weeks or something stupid

like that and finally I was stalking the

hospital and I finally finally got a

call from a really nice lady she said

I'm really excited to tell you that

everything looks great with the embryo

so we can proceed to planning your

transfer she seemed pleasantly surprised

because I guess apparently there's a

risk of damage or something to the

embryo when you do this testing I don't

know too much about it but she was

really pleased that the embryo had

tested good for everything that was two

weeks ago and they were waiting for my

cycle to start my cycle started on

Friday yes this Friday just gone TMI for

all of you and I was prescribed Astro

fem which is an estrogen pill I was

prescribed this to take three times a

day I started taking it and emailed

there's my phone sorry emailed my doctor

and said like okay so what's next after

this and the hospital emailed me back

and said just start taking it and we'll

get in touch with you this is how it's

done here I'm not getting information

every day which is frustrating so I

started taking it and I'm about what 1 2

3 I'm about four days into it

and I finally email the hospital this

morning I was like look I need to know

when these appointments are and when my

transfers gonna happen my son's getting

ready to finish school and I just kinda

need to know what's going on also too as

I was getting ready to record this video

I was like oh you know I'm gonna tell

everybody about this Astro famine I was

like what is it I don't even know what

I'm taking oh my gosh so different here

than it would be I think in the UK or

the states in terms of the information

given but I turn into a Google warrior

and looked up this morning on a lovely

little website called wait for it

your IVF so they mentioned

the pillow time on Astro femme this I as

I understand it is being taken to

thicken my uterus to give me the best

chance of implantation once I have a

transfer which makes me so excited

because I wasn't taking anything like

this before I naturally got pregnant for

all of my seven miscarriages so it gives

me hope that this might be just an extra

extra thing that will get me to a

successful pregnancy so I'm really

excited to be taking these I did notice

right after the first day of taking them

side effects creeping back in that were

similar to the Primula pills that I took

at the beginning of my cycle way back in

February March so I was feeling a little

bluesy this weekend but I'm kind of a

little more mentally prepared for it I

kind of know to keep myself busy

get outside exercise whereas when I was

on the Pramila I wasn't really doing

that so I got really really no other

side effects that I have noticed our

headaches I've had a few not miserable

but a few small headaches and I just

typically don't get those so that's been

a little strange and trouble sleeping

I've just been awake but that could also

be a combination of just my head going

through all these thoughts as we come to

the end of this first cycle I guess

going along with feeling a bit bluesy

with these pills or just because we're

coming to the end of this cycle I've had

a lot of the emotional stuff that I was

really shelving through the whole IVF

process and

kind of just oh I just guess I'm not

dealing with it I feel totally fine some

of that has started to creep in because

I know that after this transfer there is

a crucial two-week window before I find

out if I am or I'm not pregnant

if implantation occurred with this

embryo into my uterine wall and if it

hasn't what does that mean for us if it

does that's really exciting I mean very

irresponsibly in naively Andy and I have

talked about how we'll lay out our flat

if we have a successful pregnancy how

we'll switch rooms around and stuff

which is just getting so ahead of


but there is that bit of excitement

creeping in and this just might work and

then on the flip side of thinking about

if it doesn't work what we do next also

- I went to a birthday party this

weekend for a friend of ours which was

lovely some nice kashi hosts the best

parties this woman there were a lot of

kids there and most of them were

siblings and I've never been the person

in the fertility world that has a hard

time going to birthday parties being

around children being around babies

Saturday was the first time that I did

struggle with that there was somebody

that came and had a baby that was three

months old and she was talking

rightfully so a lot about her birth

experience about her pregnancy

experience about the baby being attached

to her boob and all this stuff around

being a new mom which why shouldn't she

be able to talk about it that's her

experience and that's great for her but

it was the first time that I was like I

am really uncomfortable and I am really

sad and upset and I'm really annoyed

that I felt that way because I've always

kind of worn it as a badge of honor that

that stuff never really got to me like

your happiness has nothing to do with my

pain that was like my catchphrase I

would always say to people and I meant

it and I still mean it but it just it

just got to be a little too much for me

Saturday and then you know hearing all

of that talk about her experience and

then seeing all these kids all of them

at the party

all of them were siblings you know

before people message it's okay to have

an only child of course it is of course

it is I think it's great people have

chosen to do that the thing is with our

story and you know we've always wanted

to have two children so this is just

what we want and my experience with just

desperately wanting the sibling for my

child so that made me a little upset and

then we went to the Lakeside beaches in

Zurich where I live we live on this

beautiful lake right down on the lake

there were these little beaches that pop

up all along the coast and they're

called bodies and we went to one on

Sunday and again I'm just looking

everywhere at these women who are around

my age and a lot of cases younger who

have their two three children and it

seems like they are settled well into

motherhood they've completed their

families they're back in shape and that

got me really down on Sunday and I

mentioned it to my husband and my friend

who was there with us and they

rightfully said look your body's been

through a lot these last you know two

years with thinking it's pregnant not

being pregnant being as pregnant not

being pregnant on drugs on hormones

retrievals IV up all of that like you

need to give yourself a little bit of a

break and I do but it still makes me

upset I just wish I was like back to

being super active super fit and all of

that so that was Sunday I'm seeing all

two kids but Patrick's happy

Patrick's happy he's a happy kid and he

knows he jokes around about like oh

maybe we'll get a baby you and daddy are

working on a baby but he doesn't get

obsessive about like wanting it and you

know it just doesn't affect him as much

he doesn't know like so many people I

talked to that were raised only children

they're like we didn't know what we

didn't have so it was totally fine and

they only know

that when they get older and they start

to take care of their parents when they

get older so that's a relief for me

because when Patrick's an adult I have

confidence if he ends up being an only

child I have confidence that we'll be

surrounded by you know his family

whatever shape that takes and his all of

his friends that can support him when

Andy and I hopefully if we make it that

far when we're in the last stages of our

life that he can have the support to

take care of us

and kind of gone off on a tangent there

but we're in the last two weeks of his

school before he breaks up for summer so

things are really busy here and I just

need to let you guys all know that over

the summer similar to last summer I'll

post when I can but I just have my hands

a lot more full when Patrick is with me

all day every day during the summer with

that said I will try to post and I'll

definitely keep you updated on what's

going on with IVF I mean of course the

transfer and how that all turns out

definitely but also if you want to stay

really up-to-date with what's going on

with us you definitely should head over

to Instagram I'm at I'll even set over

there I post stories often and I will

keep everybody posted more in real time

of what's going on and if you're going

through IVF and you're on Esther phone

there just get a sperm yes for a family

yes I need a manicure perfect the party

ring don't stress it's not bad the side

effects really aren't that bad with it

it's doable and I think we only take it

for a few weeks I think

I wish my hospital would tell me why

dropped it when I need to take one now


lunch time the taste of estrogen on a

Tuesday so I'm getting ready to update

this video that I've just filmed and

check my tml quickly before and I've got

an appointment I chased up the hospital

this morning and said yo I'm taking

these pills what do I do when do I come

in so they've set up an appointment for

me next Tuesday at 8:40 to go in and

figure out when this transfer is gonna

be so I'll keep you guys posted