What to Do When Your Child (OFTEN TODDLER) Starts Saying "NO!" | S.U.R.E. Parenting


hi guys welcome back to share parenting

where we improve parent-child

relationships one step at a time so

today I want to talk about possibly

parents least favorite word and why it's

very very important that we let our kids

say it of course I'm talking about the

word know when we were growing up most

of us were taught that it is absolutely

never okay to tell your parents now

there was some sort of swift and

immediate reaction to make us avoid that

word like the plague and part of that

came from the mistaken belief that if

your kids said no to you that they were

disrespecting you they're not that you

were losing your authority which really

meant control you're not or that somehow

letting them say no would turn into this

uncontrollable wild child situation it

will so why do I like the word now well

for one I understand the child's

developing brain for those of you who

haven't delved into that at all the

things that are important to know where

this one we are born with a very strong

intact animal brain the lower part of

our brain totally great

it controls our breathing or heart rate

anything like that all of our instincts

what we don't have is our prefrontal

cortex it is very very very

underdeveloped and it will develop until

25 years old 25 that is past the

drinking age I mean it it takes a long

time and before we knew this we thought

that kids were just being bad and now we

know that

bad they're underdeveloped they're not

fully cooked yet that is why a human

childhood is so very very long compared

to other mammals when we remember that

kids are only a couple years into the

development of their prefrontal cortex

it makes sense that they struggle with

emotional regulation or with their

impulse control or with their planning

skills like actually remembering to go

in and clean their room which is you

know 18 different steps at least doing

all of those things before they get

distracted and start playing most kids

are gonna get distracted and start

playing because that's how they live

that's how the brain is set up to live

in the moment and it's an incredible

gift if we can learn anything from kids

it's to live in the moment and if we

expect that they're going to struggle

with these things it relieves so much of

the pressure to control them out of it

because you can't but if we think that

we're supposed to then we're constantly

fighting with our kids because the

brains not growing yet it would be the

equivalent of fighting to make them

change their eye color they can't so

what we focus on in short parenting

instead is recognizing this huge gap I'm

starting to fill it giving them tools

giving them strategies being their co

regulator all of those things so why

does that matter one no tends to be an

impulse just an impulse some kids say

more than others they just say no we

have the ability to hear that no and not

really let it affect us very much we

might say I hear you don't want to get

in your car seat and it's my job to keep

you safe so you have to get any car seat

we can give options you can get in your

car seat all by yourself or I can help

you or you can go the more playful route

and say you can get in your cars

like a dinosaur with big stomps or like

a kangaroo with hops which one do you

want to do or you can challenge them to

a game your car seat is now your rocket

can you get in before we get to you know

finish the countdown ten nine eight

most kids respond to one of those

approaches if you haven't seen my video

on how many different approaches there

might be to one situation you should

watch it because there are many many

many many more I won't go into all of

them or this would be a very long video

I don't think I even could go into all

of them however my point is you still

hold the boundary just because the kids

said no you still hold the boundary so

then what's the point of allowing you to

no the point is that we must learn how

to stand up for our beliefs our thoughts

our feelings our own safety and we can't

do that if we can't practice that I

entered adulthood virtually incapable of

saying no to people I felt so much fear

of conflict that I was taken advantage

of way too often because I didn't know

how to just say no and my goal with my

kids is for them to be very comfortable

saying no when they need to when it's

appropriate and to help them to say no

and more respectful ways but I'm okay

with that taking some time it doesn't

bother me

three-year-olds don't scare me

four-year-olds don't scare me

six-year-olds don't scare me 16 year

olds don't scare me and that's

comforting you know it's okay that they

feel comfortable enough to let their

true desire show I think that's great

actually I want my kids to feel so safe

and secure that they can say anything to

me and I'll let him know if that was

rude or not the way that they should go

about getting what they want but I want

them to try I want them to practice over

and over and over and over again and

so many times we forget the long game

we're so focused on this thing right now

don't tell me no that we forget it we're

raising children to become adults being

able to say no is very important being

able to say no to somebody on the phone

who's telling you that you owe money I

sent a lot of money when I shouldn't

have like $1,700

when I was 19 um I have gone way out of

my way to do things for people that I

probably shouldn't have Ishta seen red

flags I should have said no I should

have put boundaries in place well before

that and I've been in situations in my

circumstances with men where I felt so

uncomfortable and I didn't know how to

say so and that's not okay I want

especially my daughter to be able to say

absolutely not with complete confidence

that her know is worth something that it

matters that it is significant and that

other people need to take heed in order

for her to feel that I have to teach her

that I have to create that for her I

have to let her practice that skill

because it is a skill to be able to say

no confidently without crumbling because

you're so self-conscious that's a skill

we teach our kids that other people need

to respect their boundaries we teach our

kids to not be taken advantage of we

teach our kids to stand up for what they

think is right regardless of what other

people are doing now when they aren't

children of course they're going to be

wrong sometimes you can still hear the

note you can still allow the know the no

itself isn't the bad part you still hold

the boundary and that teaches them to

hold boundaries I hear you I hear that

you're saying no that you don't like


now especially if it's a health and

safety issue you absolutely have to hold

the boundaries come you know there's no

negotiation but maybe your kid says no

they don't want to put on pants and you

know what's cold out so your options are

to start fighting about them saying no

which really just is this extra fight on

top of everything else or to take just a

second and put yourself in their place

why are they saying now what might be

the reason or the need behind that no

and so you ask them why not now you've

heard them now you've given them a

chance to voice their concern maybe

their pants are too short or too tight

or too scratchy or whatever it is maybe

they're really warm right now you know

that's legitimate our kids run at

different temperatures than us I get

cold way easier than my oldest kid it's

absurd the kid can wear shorts most of

the year and it isn't fair for me to try

to override his knowledge of his own


he knows what temperature he is now I

have more life experience I know how to

check the weather report and know that

it's 29 degrees outside and he's going

to get cold but he's not yet so I can

teach him to respect his own body and to

hear him to voice his to his own

concerns and say okay you're not cold

right now why don't you open the front

door and see if it's cold enough that

you're going to me part pants later and

he'll go and he'll go holy moly it's

freezing outside yes I'll put on the


problem averted he used no in an

appropriate way to pause the situation

so that he could express his concerns

he felt heard and understood he heard

and understood my part my point my part

my inside and if you want to get down to

it I won there's really nothing to win

it was just a conversation that's how

you have a healthy relationship you have

conversations with people you hear their

side of things you expect that they'll

hear your side of things but if you're

not willing to hear your kid's side of

things they're not going to be willing

to hear yours so no is incredibly

incredibly important and they have to

practice it they are supposed to

practice it when they are little

especially people get panicked when

they're 18 month old or their two and a

half year older than three and a half

year old it's they know all the time a

four and a half year old whatever age I

see it as such a healthy development of

their independence

their biological drive is to become a

separate being from you they have to do

that by creating separation in a safe

and healthy way and no it's just one of

the ways they do that it doesn't

threaten you you're still the parent you

still are going to ultimately make the

decisions that are best for your family

you have space to hear that know and

move forward from that whether that

means you do negotiate which again is a

skill that they need to practice that

they need to be good at if you are

bullheaded and it's always your way

you're going to raise kids who expect

that it should always be their way

because now they're the adults that's

not reality we have way too many adults

out there who think that because they're

the adult they should always be right

and never have to hear another side

let's raise some more adults that

actually listen who actually care what

other people think who are open and

willing to receiving new knowledge and

information I'm on board for that

I would like to see that in society a

lot more as for disrespect it's only

disrespect if you think it is it really

isn't about respecting or disrespecting

you what you have most likely been

taught is that obedience is respect and

those are actually not synonymous

respect means that you admire somebody

so much that you want to emulate them

not that you're afraid of them or you're

obedient to them those are tough totally

separate things what's interesting is

that by respecting your child and giving

them the space to say no to ask

questions to have those health and ago

Asians you actually build up a credit of

sorts and when that urgent situation

happens and your voice shifts into mom

voice and you have that that short quick

tone they take notice they hear it if

you use that all the time they're deaf

to it but my kids are welcome to discuss

things unless it's an exception when

that emergency situation happens and

they need to get in the car right now

they do it now of course I taught them

when I talk like that do the thing first

then afterwards we can have questions I

had to teach them that but they know

that I am open and will let them have

their their time to ask questions and to

argue about it if they need to and

because that's our culture it's not a

big deal for them everyone smile weird

stuffs going on out in the world and

they need to just listen they do I have

seen kids who are so used to being

controlled for everything that they say

and everything that they do that they're

just in this constant state of trying to

push away and those kids unfortunately

they're used to the yelling or they're

used to the sternness and they're just

deaf to it they just run off and they do

whatever and they're clueless to

whatever that risk was because they've

already turned off all of their filters

they become desensitized and I don't

want that in my family I want to be able

to trust that we have the kind of

relationship where he can sense the

change in me that it is a change that if

I'm nervous worried concerned and I am

short and quick and to the point that

means it's time to listen right the

second and they do their six and four

and a half now now what if your kids are

older and they don't listen at all

you're feeling overwhelmed start now

start developing that respect practice

hear their side ask

our ideas sit down and have

conversations together where you hear

them apologize for real without making

excuses or blaming them I'll do a video

just on apologies but however you would

talk to and treat your spouse or your

partner treat your kid that way if your

partner said no to something you might

stop and be surprised you know hey would

you unload the dishwasher no really like

I'll totally do that to my kids really

and they'll think about it and my

husband would think about it and explain

what they're thinking but I give them

that moment to explain they have very

strong nose they are comfortable saying

no to strangers some very creepy person

tried to kiss my kid the park and he was

able to say no as I was also there to

shove my hand in this guy's face knowing

he was not all there he like it was

weird not going into it um but knowing

that he has that strength that he can

say no when he needs to even as a shy

kid I'll do video on labels it's so

important to me it's a line of defense

that I can get them by putting my ego

aside and I think when we think of it

that way know becomes a gift and an

opportunity in our families instead of a

threat so with that I encourage you to

change your perspective on the word note

and leave room for it in your family

dynamics in your family discussions so

that your kids can practice in a safe

place so they can use it when they eat

it thank you so much for being here I'll

see you the next time