start

Dating after losing a spouse

hey hey tony gaskins here won't be

before you alone because um

i think it's thunder and lightning

going on and as my grandma used to say

when lord working

you don't work so i ain't gonna be

before you alone but i didn't get to

shoot my video today been working all

day

and i got a question today from a

lady who is a widow saying you know what

do you do

when you are a widow and you're starting

over you're dating all

over again and i have

several clients who are widows so

i've been able to walk behind the scenes

and kind of see what life is like

then also being a man i understand that

as men we are far from perfect so

when we leave this earth we didn't leave

a perfect

record or a perfect resume although

we are good people at heart

but what you have to realize is if you

are a widow

or even a widower if this is you know a

man watching this

what you have to realize is if you were

in a

relationship for a long period of time

10 years 15 20 30 years

and you were faithful meaning you didn't

have

a full-fledged relationship with

somebody else you weren't

dating around because you were married

when you come back into the scene and

this could apply to

this could also apply to someone who

you were in a long-term relationship and

now you've moved on

but it's not the exact same thing even

though your ex may be

dead to you figuratively speaking

it's not the same thing as literally

losing someone

so what you have to realize is you

are starting over and you're coming back

into a world

where things have changed so

although people are still

people we change based on

our surroundings based on what's going

on in the world so you can imagine

the generation that's coming next if

they are raised

by reality tv or they're raised by

youtube they're gonna be different

and so if you come back into the dating

world

and this single people that you're

talking to and they've been

single for five years ten years or maybe

they were dating around but they weren't

married they have more experience than

you

they've seen some things they've done

some things they got some new lingo they

got a couple new tricks up this sleeve

a couple new games so there's some work

that has to be done

if you are a widow if your spouse

and even if you weren't married if your

partner has passed away it's some work

that has to be done

first you need to have some

closure in your spirit meaning

you have to understand that

the way the brain works when we

experience something or someone over

time

the brain is self-soothing where you may

feel some you may feel the pain you may

experience the pain but we typically

remember

things better than they actually were

and that's just a mechanism to help us

cope with life

so when you look back over some things

it's kind of like

i'll relate it to getting a tattoo

if you've ever got a tattoo in that

moment

it's painful but

it only stings for the rest of the day

then it's a little tender for the next

couple days

but a month later you almost can't

remember the pain

and that's why you see people with

tattoos go get number two and number

three and number four and some people

get up to

number 100 so the same thing happens in

our life

we feel something it's like

a woman who gets her eyebrows

microbladed

after that first eyebrow she ready to

get up

and walk out she's ready to be done

she's like i'm just gonna get one

eyebrow microblade i changed my mind

or there or some people who get in the

tattoo and they want to get love

they get that l and that oh you know

what

i'm feeling like the lord's just telling

me just go with low because i just need

to lay low

so i don't even want to get the v and

the e right now

it's in that moment when you feel

pain it hurts and you want to give up it

it probably was a lot of times in your

relationship that you were ready to

throw in the towel you were ready to

give up you were ready to say what am i

doing it probably was time that you

broke up

and you had to make up break up the

makeup so what you first have to do is

you got to look back over that

relationship

and you have to evaluate it and you got

to learn some things about it you gotta

see

you know i've had people say look when i

look back over this relationship i could

see my flaws

but i also could see my partner's flaws

and i can realize

what i was dealing with and what i was

going through

and now that i've done this and i

realized that oh that was

toxic or that wasn't healthy or that was

abused so that was

narcissism or what have you now i'm able

to move

forward and not compare other people

to the fantasy or the imaginary person

that i have in my mind because see a lot

of times if we

when we lose people we don't

and this is friend family member or what

have you

when you lose someone you want to

remember them in a good light

if you can you want to remember the good

about them

not the bad about them you want to have

a good memory

so i remember i've coached

individuals where they lost someone

rather quickly

like they met someone were with them

seriously and the person passed away to

a terminal illness you know natural

causes

and sometimes after a situation like

that

you may say this was the greatest person

in my life

this is the greatest person ever i'll

never meet anyone like him or her

and it's really because they knew they

had a terminal illness

and when someone is they see the end of

the role

they're trying to right their wrongs

they're trying to

be the absolute best person they can be

if they have the wherewithal to do so

sometimes people lose

functioning certain functions of their

brain and it changes their personality

when they're on their way out but if a

person

has complete function of their brain

no sane person wants to

you know ruin relationships and break

hearts

when they're getting ready to transition

from this life

so it's kind of

it would be unwise to compare

someone's personality and how

amazing they treated you

to someone who is not in that same

situation

it's not saying let a person who doesn't

see the end of the road

be ruthless and cheat on you and dog you

out is just understand the circumstance

and situation

and realize that you can't compare

apples to oranges you can't say

you know i want someone to be just like

this person or

better based on how they treated me in

their last three months of living

and or if it's the other way around

and your spouse passed away

and it wasn't the greatest you still

have to come to a place of healing

so that you can forgive because see some

people

leave this earth and they

damaged you they hurt you and they never

said sorry they never tried to

right their wrongs and if you have that

scarf you have that wound in your heart

then you can take that

and be pessimistic in your dating life

you can be

rude or condescending or if you're

playing that over in your mind and

you're playing that over and over

you can adopt

their negative traits and

carry that with you and now the way they

made you

feel you make other people feel that way

the way they talk down to you and

belittle

you you do the same to people you deal

with

or it can be the reverse

you could be so hurt

from everything that went on that you're

too

wide open and you're too vulnerable

and you're too gullible you're too

naive and you go out and you get taken

advantage of

so in this space you really have to for

one

you should be in coaching with a

relationship

coach to understand the relationship

aspect then you also can

work with a grief counselor to deal with

the grief

aspect but to analyze the relationship

and really be able to pinpoint

what it is you experience then you need

to

work with a relationship coach who can

say okay

well this is what this was and

what do you think about this and you can

work through that

so after you come to that space and and

you should never be in a rush

so if that's six months if that's 12

months if it's

two months some people you may be

six months or 12 months you you ready

some pay some people it may be two

months

and you feel like you're ready and it

could be because the relationship

had kind of flattened out or

began to dissolve as the person was

getting ready to transition from this

life

the relationship had been over for

six months or a year or two years even

though

on paper you were still married so

as you see here there's many caveats and

nuances to this because

you could have lost someone who

you were just with for three months

a year five years you could have lost

someone that you

absolutely loved and you were with them

for more than a decade

someone that you were dealing with and

tolerating and you were with them more

than a decade

someone that you had break up the makeup

situations with

over and over so it's a lot that goes

into it but the principles

still remain the principle is you have

to get

some sort of closure after

the person has left the earth and before

you move on

and that closure has to come in

different forms meaning for the

relationship

and then for your heart and you have to

give yourself

time to heal but to heal

purely to heal individually

independently meaning don't

use other people

and call it healing meaning don't go

sleep around

don't go date around and call it healing

but

really it's you're running you're trying

to escape the thoughts and

escape the pain and escape the lessons

and

escape the personal confrontation that

you have to have

with this situation now some of this

will apply

to you if you just say that person is

dead to me

meaning your ex some of the same stuff

applies but i'm talking in the literal

sense

now the next thing that you need to do

is you have to

now catch up to date

you got gotta get the new software

download meaning

you have to see if anything has changed

nothing may have changed or everything

may have changed but you gotta see

what is new so you want to take and say

okay

when i was you know

with my ex and we were together

for 30 40 years

back then you waited

for until marriage back then

if you met a man he had to come talk to

your next of kin your mother your father

your brother if he wanted to take you on

a date

back then the man picked you up

opened the door paid for the date

closed the door pulled out the chair

drove you home

walked you to your door kiss you on the

forehead

sat outside for a few minutes until you

flick the light two times let them know

you're in the room still

safe you know whatever it may be i'm not

speaking you know literally here but you

have to look at

the way that you were courted the way

you dated and then today

see what people are doing because

it may be a situation where a lot of

women today are saying hey

um i'll pay my half and that be that

could be

because of this new breed of men

feeling like that they get to dominate

or control

or get a favor from the woman because he

paid for the date

so a lot of women may be opting to say i

don't want you to expect anything from

me i don't want you to feel like you did

anything

from me i don't want you to feel like

i'm using you for a meal

i'll pay my out offer to pay my half and

then the guy may say no no i got it

you know it's cool and then you say okay

thank you

so that may be a new nuance

in the dating scene today so what you

want to do is

take the time to watch the videos

watch the q and a's read the the dating

books

do a couple sessions with the

relationship

coach and talk about the current

dating trends and what's going on and

get that knowledge

and then after you get that knowledge

now you start to do the work so

you gotta you gotta catch up

when you did not need to

[Music]

look a certain way or do anything

because you were in a relationship

so it's like right now i'm in a

relationship

going on 14 years of marriage since i

met my wife i've gained 30 pounds

now i ain't fully all the way gone

he's short too short i ain't full all

the way gone man

you see what i mean i ain't i ain't i

ain't just let myself

completely go but if i had to go

be single and i'll walk around and eat

me and i heal

all the muscle and all

this i got to go to the gym

because of what the competition looking

like

i got to catch up if i still wearing my

unibrow

cuz you know my spouse

loved it i got to get my little whites

and get that unibrow okay if i'm still

wearing that 1980

house style man my wife was watching the

news today

and the lady on the news had the fan she

had you remember the how do

what the lady used to have and it's like

a little fan it

it's about this wide and it like this

and

it's come up like a little waterfall and

come back well i was like wow

she's still wearing that the fan she's

early 90s or something

i don't know when it from but it just

was a hairstyle that used to be

really in i mean my mama used to wear it

probably in the 90s

i ain't seen a wet since then but the

lady out the ladder she

you know looked like she was in her

late 50s early 60s but take care of

herself had a bunch of jewelry on

you know uh had a little tan on her face

had a

fade full of makeup like she had two

makeup artists

getting all right i mean she looked like

she was ready for her day in the sun

on the news because they were talking to

her on the news and

but again now imagine she went to the

dating world

and let's say she if she was single and

let's say if she was getting back into

the dating world

after her husband transitioned from this

life

but the men that she dating they used to

all the women having a up-to-date

hairstyle it's a new day

it's new hairstyles out there and they

used to that and then she come with the

you know 1995 hairstyle and he like oh

i ain't seen that in a while and she

might just

ain't nobody tell her cause she been off

the market she she

been have to be courted or

you know be in position to be

you know approached by a man so

she kept her hostile because

that's what her husband liked and he

didn't want her to change it and so she

just kept it

for him that's what he liked but when

you

come back into the dating world you got

to assess some things you got to see

make sure your heart is ready because

you don't want to

just step out there and you haven't done

the work

because what you don't want to do is be

out there

and you on the date and you just

you know y'all eating and then the next

thing you know

he just was such a good man he was so

good

and then you go and you crying and you

and you on the date and

the person you talking to that like

um i really

don't know what to say here um i'm

so sorry for your loss you know it's

just

that that's tough i honestly i've lost

my appetite because i just i'm just so

hurt for you you know do you need a hug

you know you don't want to be on that

type of situation to where

the person who approached you because

they

liked your glow is now

having to be your therapist or your life

coach

because you didn't do the work and you

didn't get the closure

so take this time and really

gather yourself and you know

cry as long as you need to cry you know

write a book about it write a blog about

it do a a 31 day affirmations

book on it 31 day devotional book on it

to encourage yourself but

publish it and encourage other widows or

widowers

so that it serves a greater purpose

like do the work and take your time and

don't feel rushed

and then when you get back out there you

see okay

i i chilled out i was in this

relationship

i've i've put on i put on happy weight

and although i'm still happy i want to

get in a little bit better shape i want

to lose me five pounds

10 pounds you know 50 pounds 100 pounds

whatever it may be you set your goal

and you say look i've been in a

relationship 18 years

and in that relationship i got

comfortable i got complacent

25 years so i wasn't doing all the stuff

that i would be doing if i

was had to be single and on the market

so let me

tap in and focus and i know

you know johnny or sally would want me

to be

happy and would want me to work on

myself

and then now some people will have

someone who has passed away who

when you think about that person

you picture them rolling over in their

grave if you date somebody

else and that's something that you have

to confront that's something that you

have to deal with and you gotta

come to terms to make sure whatever hold

it is whatever hold

that is on your life because you got a

soul tie

you got a soul tie and you have to

identify and make sure that the hold

on you is positive and not

negative that is positive that you

feel loved and you feel

that your late spouse

would want you to be happy

and you move forward with that feeling

and if it's negative then you have to do

more work

if you feel trapped and you feel stuck

and you just feel like this

black cloud is over your head and just

keeps raining on you every day

then you got to do more work and so

when you get out into the dating world

the next thing you have to realize is

you can't

and i'm just flowing right now i have

none of this written down i'm just

flowing i'm just going in order

what you have to realize is that you

can't compare

everyone to your ex that has passed away

because your memory of them

will be heightened to a certain degree

either it's going to be worse than it

was or it can be

better than it was but it's still unfair

to compare your future to your past

to compare the next to your ex

and and if they pass away it's not

really your ex but

unless y'all have broke up but still

your

past it would be unfair because

you have this permanent you may have

depending on your relationship this

permanent

endearing love you know god forbid

anything ever happened you know to my

wife

personally i would never marry again

i would never date again i would

literally be

like apostle paul i mean that with

everything in me and i know it's

probably people who are widows who

said the same thing or widowers when

their partner was alive said the same

thing and now may be in a space to where

they say well i'm ready to date again

and i just i talked to a

gentleman not long ago who he

his wife passed away and he took

years i think more than five years

before

and still is not dating publicly

but very coveted by women desired by

women women

want to you know be his

woman but his wife passed away

and he has not publicly announced

a girlfriend and i get it

and so if you still feel like you're in

that space

just stay there just stay there keep

learning keep growing

you know build your business build your

brand

write your book start your new companies

your extra your other companies if you

already got one or two

just invest in you and just stay there

but when you go out there you can't

go out there and say well

you know johnny or mark or bobby or don

used to do this

you know he used to do this and he would

always say this

and you know i just

i just i don't know this is a good man

but he just he don't

you know he just does not flip his

eggs at the same time that don used to

flip his eggs

and it's just killing me because

those eggs were amazing and i just

cannot get over

whatever it may be you cannot be in that

situation to where

you are comparing

and when you are comparing that's a sign

just take your time just pause just

gather yourself

and just spend that time and enjoy

those memories enjoy those memories

enjoy that love and enjoy those feelings

i'm here to tell you

i i i'm here to take me personally

after you know i would never

date again i'm trying to i'd be walking

around

every way you see might have a bible i

have a body you want to talk to him

about yet um

uh excu you say hello oh i'm sorry i

thought you said

proverbs 31 here you go uh just can you

read proper 31 to me real quick before

you speak to him again

i'm trying to say i'll be the apostle

paul and so

understand this if you don't feel called

to dating

if you don't feel like it's just really

really right like you

really ready like you really need to be

back out there like

like you know your relationship was was

not good and it was toxic and you just

hung on and you just

hung in there because they needed you

and and now you ready to get back out

there or

feeling like you know he or she would

want you to move on and to

continue to live your life if you don't

have that feeling like

you need to be out there dating then

just

work on you remain single and keep doing

the work on you

and here's the thing when you

are dating you're not comparing

but also you're not making

this person your band-aid you're not

making this person that you're dating

your therapist

because they

he or she may feel

a little sorry for you

but not enough to

counsel you about your

spouse who passed away or

your lover who passed away

they don't feel that sorry for you

and the reason why i say that is because

humans

are not wired like that humans can feel

empathy and sympathy

but when it comes to love and when it

comes to the heart

and when it comes to a relationship

humans will actually expect you to be

healed and to be past

that relationship

and whether that is right or wrong

that is the truth of the matter

so you have some people who will be

mature enough

that they will you know go to the grave

site

on the anniversary of

the passing of your past

lover or spouse

and on their birthday or they may allow

you to go

and not mention it in a negative way but

that person will be very

few and far in between and so it's a lot

of work that has to be done because you

also have to figure out those things

you have to figure out okay

at what point do i bring up

is it the three month mark three month

mark

you know when things are getting serious

three months six months

at what point do i bring up that i still

that i still

love my

former partner who has passed away

and i would like to honor their birthday

and they're the date of passing

those two days i would like to go place

flowers

on their grave so at what point do i ask

is that okay and

you would like to hope that you can meet

a mature person that can understand that

and be okay and not see that as a threat

but you may be surprised at how many

people

you have to walk away from because they

see

your deceased you know

past husband or wife as a threat

and they like oh you still you're still

in love

so so let me get this so let me get this

right and you're gonna hear this now

it might be in a different accent

different voice but i'm gonna use the

proper one

so let me get this right so

because i'm kind of confused so you want

to go to

his grave to place flowers

like do you want me to go as well okay

okay so i don't have to go okay okay

but let me ask you another question just

a little deeper

so when you and i are you know

it are you picturing him

and feeling him and not me

because that would creep me out you see

what i'm saying

so you have to confront see it's

different

things which humans think about that

anyways with living exes

so you're gonna have people that bring

that up and somebody somebody in the

comments may have experienced something

like this

somebody they dated being jealous

and insecure and always bringing up and

comparing

their themselves to the deceased

husband or wife and feeling jealous and

insecure

inadequate and i coach widows and

widowers so

i kind of get to go behind the scenes

and hear about these experiences

but that's real and so

that's something else that is going to

add to

the dating is like because you have

sometimes when people are still

living you have to work out a blended

family or you have to work out

my ex wants to go on

he wants to take our son to see italy

and wants me to come because wants our

son to

experience that with both of his parents

and then the new you know boyfriend

or girlfriend or husband or wife like

huh hold on what

what in the will smith is this

like he got money they could do stuff

like that you know because i remember

hearing about that that you know will

smith

went on vacation with his oldest son and

and his mom and that he said how much

he'd

still love her and all of that and and

that's like it's like cool

well everybody might not have that

level of understanding or whatever that

may be called

so you're gonna have to go

through situations to where you gotta

the dating

will take someone a little more mature

that you're dating so that they can be

confident in who they are because see we

all

know that if there was love for someone

and then that person passed away we all

know that humans take that love and just

and try their best to hold on to the

good

and hold on to the good memories to make

life going forward a little bit more

easy and just

you know we always see people you know

point up to the sky

or you know just pay tribute may get a

tattoo

may you know just do some put it on the

back of their car window you see on

people car windows and it's in loving

memory

like we try to you know

memorialize that person

and so when you go to date it's going to

be

different when the person you're

dating sees that

you've lost someone that you were

married to or in a serious relationship

with committed relationship with

because they know that that feeling

maybe

could be different than if your ex

was just a complete dog and still

living and out here just

still being a dog or

rude and nasty that's gonna be a

different situation

so you have to realize that this will

take

patience it'll take some knowledge and

some wisdom and some

understanding it will take you talking

to

professionals and getting outside input

feedback and opinions and it will take

you

being you know

utilizing using discernment when you are

dating

it also will require emotional

intelligence

so that if you on your

exes i don't know the proper term to use

here

because not really your ex but on your

former partners

your late partner's birthday you may be

emotional

on their the date that they

left this earth you may be emotional

so when i say emotional intelligence

it's

do you cry or sit in silence

in the presence of the person you're

dating

or do you call your grief counselor

and that's something that you have to

you know

say okay i want to wait until i meet

someone that i could

that they could know that i'm struggling

that i'm going through

and i remember in another in another

light

of this another way but

i remember talking to a gentleman who

lost his mother and then

he got in a relationship and he got

married

and that

his wife you know has a child

they have a child and on mother's day

he is hurting because he lost his mother

and he's hurting but yet his

wife wants him to be over it

to celebrate her because she's a mother

and she's can you do both like can you

okay go to her you know gravesite leave

some flowers but then after that like

perk up put a smile on it so that i can

enjoy my day

as a mother and so that's what i mean

and the way the world works you could

end up

falling in love with someone who their

birthday

is the date of your former lover's

birthday or

passing day or the day that they were

diagnosed

or the day that the incident happened

or it could be something like that

that happens and that has happened or

the person you fall for has the same

birthday

or the same first name or the same

middle name or the same initials

so this will take some you literally

have to go through

in your work with your coach

or now see i don't know if your coach

gonna think like this

and gonna go through all of this here or

or your therapist

now this is where my mind will go and

if we're working together we're gonna go

through this

because once you see it in your mind

then you know how to handle it

but you want to go through okay what if

he has the guy you meet

has the same name as

your husband who passed away what if he

has the same birthday

and then you articulate hmm what would

you do

how would you handle that you see it in

your mind you come up with

your answer so that when it happens you

already have decided

how you're going to handle this

in an emotional emotionally intelligent

way

if they have the same birthday if

this man's birthday is the same day as

the day

your husband passed away

how do you handle that do you mention it

because once you mention it this man who

may

like you will never see his birthday the

same

so is it

something that he needs to know

if that's the case what if they have the

same middle name or the same initials

do you let it lie where it is lying

and leave it behind you or do you

bring it with you into

the present and on into the future

as a part of you and that is a personal

decision

because there are people who will be

mature enough to

understand and be okay

and some people will even be as

positive or as light-hearted to say well

i guess i'm his or her spirit

kin and they chose me

to love you and to ride you into the

sunset

i was sent to you by them

they're sitting high looking low and

they sent me

some people may be that you know

lighthearted or what have you and

you may have a you may be creeped out or

you may have your little smile or you

may think it's divine or

depends on the personality i deal with

all kind of personalities so it's all

different kind of ways

people can take these cosmic collisions

these

you know interactions but this is stuff

that you have to work through this is

stuff that you got to think about

and that you have to process so that you

can

place your emotions where they need to

be

placed after having processed them and

dealt with them you don't sweep it under

the rug

you don't pretend it never happened but

you

do you will have to make a decision to

say

well do i talk to the person that's

courting me or that i'm courting

about my past relationship

that ended in my

husband or wife or boyfriend or

girlfriend passing away

or do i keep all things related to him

or her

in the sessions with my professional and

i

allow this person to have a clean slate

and to feel like the world

is theirs his or hers

that is something that you have to

decide

and if you feel so strongly

and if you feel like the person that i

meet has to understand that on his

birthday or the day of his passing i'm

going to

cry i'm going to be emotional i'm going

to be

silent i'm going to the gravesite i'm

placing flowers

i want him or her to go with me

uh him to go with me i want

support i want hugs i want forehead

kisses

and that is what i need and that's what

i

expect

if that's how you feel now you really

have to

really think about that and

and i could say put the shoe on the

other

foot but

the way you see it is going to be

different because you have experienced

it

so you may say well if someone needed me

to be there for them because they lost

their

wife and or their husband and

they needed me to be there for them to

hug them to kiss him on the forehead to

go to the gravesite to place the flower

i would do that i would be understanding

of that

you can say that because you have lost

someone

that you loved but if you've never

experienced if a person has never

experienced that

they may not fully be able to wrap their

mind around it

or to get their heart to that place

because it may make them feel inadequate

it may make them feel like they were

they will never

be good enough or they will never live

up to

the lofty memories or the high

standard that you are

holding onto from that past relationship

and so that is where things get a little

complicated

and that's where each individual has to

sit down

with his or her support

group whether it's a best friend who is

a professional or knowledgeable or just

a lot of wisdom

in in life and or

a therapist and or a coach

you may need to kind of have a board to

where you talk to a friend about it

get that wisdom talk to a family member

get that wisdom talk to

another widow or widower

who has experienced what you've

experienced uh read a book

from someone who lost someone um that

they were in a relationship or marriage

with

read their book see their perspective

talk to the professional and then

you put it all together and you get

centered with

where your heart is at and what you feel

so hey you know this is on

uh you know unique video

because it's not the masses

situation but i've seen this question

enough i want to touch on it as you know

please don't you know feel like or think

that i'm making light in any way

of this situation as i'm going through

scenarios and stuff

um different people have different

personalities so some people are easily

offended some people

laugh and cry at the same time

so you know please forgive me

if anything came off the wrong way i

don't really

like touching on you know death

and it's hard to talk about but

i keep getting the question so i want to

try to talk about it

to a certain degree and understanding

that i'm

just the professional that is on the

phone

listening and helping

individuals come up with

their plan their their way forward

and doing the work whatever that may be

writing their book starting their

company investing in themselves

so understand that and realize that

everybody's work may

look a little different and everybody

has to do

their own work and none of this from me

is saying do this do that but you can't

do this you can't do that it's all a

personal decision

it's all a personal decision and you

have your own timeline

so take your time don't rush it

don't feel like you have to compromise

and say and never mention the name

or the existence i'm not saying that at

all don't feel like that some people may

expect that you date may expect you to

act like that

but you don't have to do that if that's

not what

you want to do if you can't

leave it where it is and you want to

have that memory and

mention the name and you know hold up

that standard and

compare other people to it that is a

personal choice

and you also have to have the mindset of

hey

this is what i'm gonna do and come what

may

you know good or bad this is what it is

or i'm going to leave it there

and i'm moving forward and i'm going to

leave it there and i'm going to let

him or her rest in peace and i'm not

going to

drag their name into new relationships

and use them as

examples and i'm gonna let them rest in

peace and i'm going to

move forward in my life remembering them

always in my heart

but not asking the person i'm dating

or falling in love with to carry

my burden or to try to feel

my pain i'm going to allow them to have

their love for me and allow them to feel

that it is

exclusive to them that's the flip side

of that choice

and every human has the right to make

their own choice based on what they're

feeling and no one can tell you

what you feel and no one can say i

understand what you feel

even if they have lost the husband or a

wife because

their relationship is still different

than your relationship

so they may they didn't experience

the exact same feelings that you

experienced so no one can truly fully

understand you and what you feel so no

one can truly blame you

for whatever decision that you make

but what you have to do as a person is

own

up to your heart and your decisions and

confront yourself

and be willing to accept what comes

with your decision on how you're going

to move forward

so you know maybe listen to this twice

three times to a couple angles really

get it in your heart get in your spirit

and and then take it to the next level

adding the wisdom that you've gained to

come up with a few other steps if need

be

that you need to work on because i

didn't hit on everything but this is

something that

could be a four-hour seminar so

understand that but these are

what i could fit inside of this hour and

what kind of

came with the natural flow of me doing

the work with individuals who are

growing in this area

and right now trying to be

you know mindful of the time and also

careful with my words

nothing more is coming to my mind so

this is where you take it to the next

level

in doing the work and what you develop

you may develop an exercise or

work that you could then take

and utilize to help others who've lost

someone that they loved in an intimate

relationship

in whatever capacity the relationship

was but

you may be able if you come to a place

in your life

as a widow or widower or someone who's

lost the loved one

and you have done the work and you get

to a place to where you feel

good you feel comfortable you feel

strengthened strong

motivated confident you can take that

process

that you have gone through and then help

others with one or two of your extra

exercises if not all of them if need be

so

the other part of this is turning your

pain into purpose not

letting the pain and the sorrow or the

worry or the regrets

you but to allow it to

empower you to enlighten you to

encourage you to push you forward

and turn that pain into purpose and

while you're helping yourself

or after you've helped yourself then

help

others so hey i hope this helped you in

some kind of way

um just if nothing more than just to get

your

mind turning and your heart working in

the process

you know going a little deeper so god

bless you thank you so much for the

questions

and i get the questions out of my

youtube comments sometimes out of dms

sometimes out of email so

when people say how you submit a

question just anywhere submit it

anywhere you could access

me and if i see it and i feel like i can

touch on it

i'll do so god bless you we'll talk soon