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Why Your Relationship Changes After Having a Baby | Part 1

so a good time to go see a therapist is

if you find that you're hitting like

a real breaking point and you've tried

to implement things on your own and it's

just

not working out

[Applause]

all right did you know 67 of couples

report having a reduced marital

satisfaction within the first couple

years of becoming parents

well today you might have guessed it

it's all about relationships

it is one of the top questions i see

post in our facebook group

relationships after baby so i brought in

shayna who's a relationship

therapist and she's going to talk all

about communication and why couples have

such a hard time communicating plus

she's going to give you tips that you

can apply

today to improve your relationship and

we had so much information that i

actually

split up into two parts like i like to

do a lot of times because

they're just full of so much information

so this will be part one today

so next week you can tune into part two

where she talks a little bit more about

specific communication techniques

and a little bit more about boundaries

so without further ado

here's part one do you want to just go

ahead and um

just jump right in and tell us a little

bit about yourself hi

i'm shayna and i am a licensed mental

health counselor and relationship

coach and more importantly i'm a mom of

two and i

help um work with moms on the

relationship changes

that come into play once kids come into

the picture

since there are like just logistical

changes with schedule responsibilities

and unfortunately that can affect the

marriage

and the relationship that you had before

kids were there and actually

john gottman who is one of the foremost

relationship experts

found through research that i believe

that 67

of couples have reduced marital

satisfaction within the first few years

of becoming parents

so that's a that's a major statistic and

so

it's something unfortunate that a lot of

people are not aware of it isn't talked

about much

when you're prepping to become a mom

like everybody's telling you about

sleeping when the baby sleeps

breastfeeding tips um best like place to

buy this best place to buy that

um changing diaper tactics all of that

and almost no one

mentions to anyone like get ready if

your relationship is going to change

it doesn't have to be a bad thing and

there are ways to work through it but

it's going to change

and because people don't talk about it

and people aren't prepared for it

it's like what's going on here and then

people start questioning

whether they had a good relationship to

begin with which

unfortunately isn't the best thing for

us and when you're already in a

stressful time where you're

having a lot of different hormones

changes and like sleep changes and

everything going on

and that on top of that can make things

really stressful so i try to help moms

with that

something that's so important because i

see in our facebook group all the time

people talking about

having you know a hard time connecting

with their partner during this time

and not realizing yeah how hard it's

going to be right now

we kind of start kind of first with like

the problem and then kind of

some solutions so why would you say or

what would you say one of the biggest

problems are for so many

couples like connecting after having a

baby

so one part of it is like

time you don't have the time that you

used to have before

suddenly um you have to save the baby

feed the baby change the baby

wake you're not sleeping as much because

of the baby um

so there's just all those

responsibilities in terms of time

there's also that feeling where you're

feeling no me time

and then there are parts where one

partner can feel like

they're doing more than the other

partner

another factor that pops up and i think

we're gonna maybe talk about this a

little soon

is the maternal gatekeeping can be a

factor that

can make the dad feel defeated um or

partner if it's not a dad but one of you

is more of the primary mom

and then the way that that makes your

partner feel defeated and then

affects their connection with the child

and also their connection with you

then there's like the different hormones

there's mom's feeling touched out we're

so over

stimulated from the nursing the holding

there's like somebody always on you that

then like you just

want a break from everything and

those are all normal things that happen

and

there are ways to work through them but

a lot of times

we don't know that we don't know what to

do we're at a loss of what to do we want

answers but we don't have them

and so we're just frustrated

absolutely and there's also financial

stresses that can come up after babies

like

um i mean i saw the statistic that the

average

child costs like 200 000

over the like till they're 18 and that's

if you don't send them to private school

and that's like

you know that's with a lot of

expenses that some families have not

included so

if there's that financial burden there's

you know one partner feeling like they

need to work more or both partners

needing to work

and then they've done studies that that

moms

even when moms and dads are both working

the moms tend to be doing a lot more

of the household chores and that

even when the mom is the primary

breadwinner if she's making

more than the dad she's still the one

with more of the tasks which can make

them

a little resentful so there's all these

like different factors that come into

play that can affect the relationship

kind of going off the cuff here but what

do you recommend for a couple that

you're saying is you know maybe the yeah

the wife's the primary breadwinner

and they're both working how do you

split tasks or different chores around

to so that each person is kind of happy

or how do you communicate that

well that's just it you have to have

good communication

so don't just expect they're going to

obviously do this because i'm doing this

or they're

going to see that i'm doing this so

they're going to chip in doing this you

have to

like sit down together and come up with

okay

these are the things that have to get

done this is what i'm going to do this

is what i'm going to need you to do and

if you come to that conclusion that

you can't each do those things that

you're hoping to

then get help if you can like there's

always

ways to try to get help so whether

that's

if financially you can getting in a

cleaning lady

once a week or so um i know when i had

my first daughter we had somebody coming

in for a few hours once a week just like

do the deeper cleaning and like full

laundry like little things that took

time

but that i didn't have the head to do

when i came home from work and then had

to be busy with our daughter and

my husband didn't want to do it either

and so that was the solution

for us um and then you know as she got

older i needed i had this person come

for a few hours on a second date just

because

there's more to do in the house and

that's what worked for us so it was a

matter of either cutting down

my work schedule or keeping my work

schedule and getting a little bit more

help

which sometimes it does balance out and

this is kind of the same thing as like

any moms who are working moms and you

think if you think of outsourcing

business tasks

you think like oh i'm hiring someone to

do this

but then you realize if i was working on

the more important tasks in the business

during that time

ultimately it's serving me in a much

better way it's helping my business

grow quicker faster and ultimately is

going to help the bottom line

better than if i try to do everything

myself because i don't want to hire

someone

for that ten dollars an hour or whatever

it is so

it's you know in your home you have to

realize that as well like

in getting someone to come in for ten to

fifteen dollars an hour for like

four hours a week better for

our relationship and our physical and

mental health because we're not kind of

like

you know feeling burned out doing

everything so when do you think is a

good time for a couple to

go see a therapist so a good time to go

see a therapist

is if and like we spoke a little bit

last week

is if you find that you're hitting like

a real breaking point

and you've tried to implement

things on your own and it's just not

working out

so you know that first step is and in

general like when people are

experiencing

something like anxiety or depression or

whatever but it's not

something that's extremely interfering

with their lives

they could go like to barnes and noble

and pick up a self-help book

and see what that does for them and see

like if it inspires them but if they see

that like

okay i read the book today and i'm like

i'm feeling inspired for five minutes

but tomorrow i'm right back where i was

or i'm not actually seeing changes

maybe going to a few sessions can help

you don't have to going to a session

doesn't mean you're committing to being

there for the rest of your life

and that's actually not what therapy is

supposed to be nowadays

the older methods of therapy were for

people like

once they went in they were there like

until the day they died

and nowadays therapy is a lot more

constructive where there are specific

goals and it's

um especially if you're going to someone

that's solution focused or short-term

therapy

you're working on specific goals that

you're hopefully seeing improvement in

early on

and then you kind of taper out so then

you go like every other week and then

you can taper out to once a month

and then you evaluate is the support

that i need

like i've had clients where they when

they're tapering off they're like okay

can we go six weeks till the next

appointment

and then they'll sometimes say okay that

was fine like let's do six weeks ago and

then that's fine they'll go back to like

seven or eight weeks and or at some

point we'll say like hey let's just

graduate from therapy and then if there

is a big concern that comes up

you can reach out again like your

therapist is always there or if your

therapist is not there

there's someone else that you can

hopefully find and connect to

so you're not making a lifelong

commitment once you do this you're

making

um a commitment to yourself to get the

most help you can

that can help you get to where you want

to be

in the most efficient way yeah i think

that's so important for people to hear

because

like you said i think a lot of times you

will picture the old school

like i have to commit and commitment can

be scary for a lot of people

so knowing that hey i'm just going to go

a couple of times or

for a month or you know make actual like

tangible goals

i think that's that's awesome right and

i mean

also like i said the going to therapy to

work on your relationship

is ultimately going to be a cheaper

investment than going through

a divorce process or an unhappy marriage

for the rest of your life

absolutely so i know a lot of issues

that i see coming up

has a lot to do with you know

communication or

i would say like probably the majority i

see the communication because it's like

they're having you know these

thoughts about their partner you know

not doing something and then it could

probably be

the opposite if we were to talk to the

partner so what would you say

the best ways for par for someone to

show their partner that they appreciate

them

so appreciation is a lot about also

showing like respect

gratitude so looking for the things that

they're

doing well and commenting on that um

and we learn that with our kids but like

if they catch them when they're doing

good and that encourages

positive behaviors we're all the same

like

at the base level people like whether

you're a kid or you're an adult we're

the same

we all thrive on things like

encouragement and praise

so when you communicate and show like

i'm noticing that you're doing

these things so i really appreciate that

and you can add that and i still need

help with this this and this

so you could have that coexist where

you're appreciating things and also

frustrated by some things

but you want to make sure that they see

that you also have the appreciation

that you also notice what they are doing

because otherwise they feel defeated

like no matter what i do you only see

what i'm doing

wrong and they feel like let me just not

do anything

kind of like when you're working on a

goal and you're not seeing the results

that you want

so you're like it's not working you just

throw it all in the garbage

but if you actually looked at it there

have been some positive changes

whether you're more energetic whether

you're sleeping a little better whether

you know when when you're working on

different goals even if you're not

getting where you want it to be exactly

the way you thought you would

there are some positives going on and

it's important to notice those

so that each person feels seen and

respected and on that note i just wanted

to bring in where we were talking about

the different things that can come up

another thing is family where a lot of

the differences is like

couples disagreeing like but we didn't

do that in my house

but i want to do this in my home or like

family members getting involved and

telling you like their opinions on

things and then you get frustrated with

your partner if their family members are

kind of telling you something so it's

that's one other thing and

again it's about communication and

talking about that and setting

boundaries

all right guys thanks for watching part

one of my interview with shayna i hope

you had some awesome takeaways from this

interview

i just think it was so important about

what she said about relationships that

you know when it comes to having a baby

there's so much about

postpartum and breastfeeding and there's

a lot of help out there

but one of the things that they don't

tell you when you're pregnant is that

your relationship is going to change

whether it's good or bad there's just

not a lot out there so

i just think it's so cool what she does

for couples and is able to help them out

so

i hope you're able to learn something

that you are able to apply to your

relationship

so like i said this was just part one so

we have part two next week and we're

gonna talk more about

boundaries and specific techniques um in

regards to communication

and finally she's gonna answer your

questions so when i

interviewed her i reached out to my

facebook group and i asked them to send

me their specific relationship questions

and so i went ahead and asked shayna and

she will answer them next week

so i will see you guys then thanks for

tuning in to this episode of mom's house

with krista

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