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Why Do Widowers Date Soon after their Wife Dies?

hi it's Wednesday that means it's time

for another video edition of widower

Wednesday I am able keo author of dating

a widower and today we're going to

discuss the subject of why widowers date

so soon after the death of their wife

this is a common thing I get from women

who you know surprisingly are dating a

man or a widower who has recently lost

his wife but even if you're not dating a

widower who has recently recently lost a

spouse there is some good widower

psychology 101 tips in here and I

encourage you to hang on and listen as

we discuss some of the feelings and

thoughts behind why widowers do what

they do especially when it comes to

dating again within weeks or months of

their late wife's passing so first I'm

going to start off with the story years

ago back when I was married the first

time to my late wife we were at her

grandmother's house so a little bit of

backstory on this my late wife was more

or less raised by her grandmother

because her parents weren't fit enough

to actually do the tasks so she had a

good relationship with her grandmother

and spent most of her childhood there

her grandmother had been widowed I think

she was widowed some time back in the

80s over the time I came onto the scene

she had been widowed maybe about ten or

fifteen years had not dated anyone

during this time drew during those time

that she was widowed she was just

content to go about her life and you

know do do the things that she wanted to

do and which you know which actually

consisted of raising my late wife and

her brother that's what a lot of her

older years were spent at anyway I

believe me and the late wife were

married at this point we were over at

her house helping prep for a funeral my

late wife's grandmother lived in a

neighborhood with a bunch of other older

people most of them had lived in those

houses you know 20 30 40 years they all

know each other they had all socialized

together over time and anyway one of her

neighbors had died one of the neighbor

ladies had died and so we were over

there I came over we were doing getting

some food ready or something like that

getting stuff ready for the funeral

and while we're getting this getting the

food or whatever ready there's

on the door so my late wife's

grandmother goes over there and answers

the door and we're in the kitchen

working and we can hear the conversation

from where we're at and at the door is

the widow or scuse me the widow ha

it's the widower of this woman who just

died and so you know I hear his voice

and I'm thinking that oh he's you know

here to talk about the funeral or

something and anyway so I'm kind of

halfway listening and me and the late

wife are working through the kitchen and

you know they're I don't know they're

discussing funeral arrangements or

something I know it has to do something

with the funeral and then the widower

says something that catches my attention

he says well Loretta that was her name

because I'm gonna be calling on you soon

maybe tomorrow and with that he was gone

and out the door and me and the late

wife kind of stop what we're doing and

we look at each other like we just hear

that right did he just say that he's

gonna ask your grandmother out you know

and then you know I'm thinking like wait

didn't his wife just died like three

days ago and what didn't like crap is

going on here and you know we were both

kind of just kind of like looking at

each other and shocked silence and the

grand you know and my late wife's

grandmother comes back to the room we're

back to the kitchen and you know and my

late wife's like he just asked you about

and my late wife's grandmother just kind

of laughed it off said yeah but you know

she was I'm not interested in dating and

it's not gonna go anywhere but in my

mind though I'm thinking like who on

earth would ask somebody out on the day

or you know hint that they're an ass

buddy on the day of their wife's funeral

I'm thinking in my mind this guy you

know and and and to be fair I know I

didn't know this guy very well at all I

didn't know his I didn't know the

widower that well I didn't know his a

late wife that well so but you know in

my mind I'm making judgments like we all

do and I'm sitting myself thinking this

guy must not I love his wife or maybe

they had some kind of crappy

relationship or you know maybe he's

probably glad at his wife died I'm

making all these assumptions I'm just

thinking like man I can't believe that

somebody would do that

so fast-forward a couple years and I

find myself in the widowed position and

I wasn't you know there was too much

shock and surprise

my label late wife's death Oh actually I

should back up and say that this widower

who asked my late wife's grandmother out

his wife died like you know I don't know

it was a long disease cancer or

something and so her death wasn't you

know it been going on for a long time so

just kind of plant that seed in your

mind there anyway

I'm fine myself you know after my late

wife's death not days or weeks after

about two months after my late wife died

I find myself thinking that I should

date again and you know I'm sitting

there thinking why do I have these

feelings why to you know my wife's been

dead two months I'm still a complete

mess and Here I am I'm thinking about

dating again and so of course I started

going through what the what is wrong

with Abel kind of thing and I started

thinking about well you know why do I

have these feelings I mean I love my

wife I mean yeah I was still kind of

angry because of her suicide there's

some issue there suppose like why do i

why do I feel like dating again and I

thought these feelings I thought there

was something wrong with me I thought

well this has to do with I'm angry or

you know I'm just I'm not an employee

you know I don't know I've just

obviously I was completely confused as

to why I was having these feelings it

made no sense to me and the feelings

persistent like for about I wanna say

about two months I fought these feelings

you know where it was like you know you

should go on and you should ask somebody

out or you should start you know a

dating Agana I just thought there was no

no this isn't right there's something

wrong with me I'm broken bla bla bla bla

bla I could think of a hundred reasons

so finally though I gave in to those

feelings and I started looking around on

online dating sites and eventually

created a profile and started dating and

you know the rest is history if you want

the story by the way go read room for

two you can get a little more detail

into this but anyway um but you know I

just kept thinking there was something

wrong with me even after I met Julie and

we started we started to get serious we

probably I started a Julie five months

after my about five months after my late

wife died and I think we were serious so

maybe two months after that we started

getting pretty serious so about seven

months after my late wife died I found

myself in this serious relationship

where I felt like hey I'm gonna get

married again this is somebody I want to

spend the rest of my life with but deep

down inside I still had these these

feelings of why do I feel this way

what's broken with me what's wrong you

know why do I feel this way so soon how

can I open my heart so soon to somebody

else and so I really didn't have answers

and you know life went on I married

Julie and we've been married 15 years

and we have this great relationship and

things are good but after talking to

after you know I started writing books

and talking to different widowers I

realized that the feelings that I had

about wanting to date again so soon they

were normal that other widowers had

these same feelings and it really didn't

matter how the widower lost their spouse

and it really didn't matter you know how

long they had been married you know

there's all these different factors that

I could think of I found a common

pattern that widowers felt the need to

date again soon after their late wife

died and it's kind and not every

Whittemore feels this way but I'd say

you know you're pushing 95 96 percent of

the widowers I've talked to have felt at

least within months of their late wife's

passing that they should date again some

felt up the days or in you know within

weeks you know for me it was a month

I think it's typical maybe a couple

months after is probably what I found to

be the average anyway after talking to a

bunch of widowers and you know hearing

their experiences about dating again

what I've come to realize is that men

have an internal need for relationships

this is you know we're getting into

whether we're psychology 101 but men

have this need for relationships and

after they've been in a like a marriage

especially a good marriage they just you

know this you know they just feel broken

and I had a widow where a friend from

Arkansas tell me he described it this

way now I think it's pretty good he says

that when a spouse dies the widower

feels broken and they're and like in a

sense that their life is broken that

their life is incomplete and so being

men they want to go out and fix the

problem and so the way to fix the

problem is to start dating again and get

into a relationship and I think that's a

really good analogy I think I think that

pretty much hits it is that we just have

this instinctual need you know it's like

oh my heck you know I'm not in a

relationship anymore I'm gonna go out

and find somebody and so I don't think

it's a bad thing if you're a widow we're

watching this and you have feelings like

you want to date soon after your wife

dies don't feel bad about it these are

our natural feelings and if you're a

woman dating a widower

these are you know just because he wants

to date again I don't want you to us to

throw up the red flag and say it's too

soon I'll get into a little more detail

on this but just because a widower wants

to date again it doesn't mean they had a

bad marriage it doesn't mean they didn't

love their wife but you just need to

understand that there's some kind of

internal and internal need to go ahead

and and and do this stuff again

so but that doesn't now if you're dating

now I'll talk to the women who are

dating widowers and I'll talk to

widowers here now if you're dating a

recent widower I am gonna warn you to be

careful because just because he feels

like he should date again just because

he wants to date again doesn't mean he's

ready necessarily for a serious

relationship

I actually do encourage widowers if they

feel this need to go day to actually go

out and date that's that's that's advice

I give them I don't you know if you feel

this need to go date again I say go date

now what I do tell wears is not to get

serious with anybody I'd tell him to go

on a series of dates

they'd four or five people or something

like that just calling these little uh

one-off dates and the purpose of these

dates you're not isn't it gets serious

and find everlasting love is to kind of

test the waters and see how you feel

about dating again and actually get in

that situation and I think after you've

done like maybe three or four dates

where the words are kind of in a better

chance to say you know I I'm actually

ready for this relationship or you know

what this is kind of weird I'm not I'm

not ready for this and they can back out

so if you're dating a widow or a recent

widower my suggestion is don't get

serious with them I mean you know go out

with them and say you guys have a great

time if you click that's fine but

especially if you're the first person

he's dated I would encourage them just

say look you know I think we have

something here but I want to make sure

that you're ready to actually have a

serious relationship and actually

encourage them just to go out

another date with somebody I know that

may be hard and kind of like oh my gosh

I'm couraging him do you know what if he

falls in love with someone else well he

goes on another date with someone and

falls in love with them on that date

that's a definite sign that he's not

ready to go out and have a serious

relationship with you or or anyone else

so again there's nothing wrong with

dating a recent widower you just gotta

kind of put your guard up and you've got

to take things slow again because again

men have this internal need just to go

out there and date and find love again

and in my own experience I went out I

started dating I don't know I dated four

or five different girls again just

single dates and I found out that I

really like dating but I still Eva even

then I still had this you know this need

to get serious with someone you know you

know my life is broken even though I was

dating you know I'm still waking up to

and it'd be bad you know I'm coming home

to an empty house and I hated it and so

I ended up getting serious with with a

woman who lived in a Phoenix we kind of

had this long-distance relationship

going and again not there was again

nothing against her but the relationship

wasn't right and I got into a

relationship because I felt my life is

broken and I thought paid getting into

relationship will fix this so I put that

out there as a warning sign that just

because of whatever says he's all into

you and stuff doesn't mean he's actually

is into you he has he needs some time

and some space to kind of do to figure

out his true feelings and if he's just

dating you because it feels good to date

someone and it feels good to have a

woman in his life again or is he

actually dating you because he wants to

spend the rest of his life with you and

I will say again from my own experience

and talking to widowers widowers who are

ready to move on they don't have

confused feelings they aren't sitting

there wondering if this is the right

thing they just kind of know it and it

works out when I was dating the girl in

in Arizona

I have confused feelings and you know

I'm thinking like well I'm recently

widowed I'm still grieving the and I was

just kind of I kind of thought that

those feelings are those mixed emotions

that I had that these feelings that I

had were really you know grief feelings

and in reality it was my you know my

internal alarm system saying you know

danger Will Robinson nurses not a

relationship that you want to be in so

you know it was my bad but when I met

Julie you know there wasn't those

internal flags those internal alarms it

was just like things just felt right

they felt natural and you know we ended

up getting married so so again you know

if you're a recent widower and want a

date go ahead go do it

don't get serious with anybody date

around a little bit just so you can get

used to the idea and maybe that'll help

you kind of take some time and

understand maybe why you're a dating

again or if you're even ready for it and

then if you're in a relationship with

the recent widower or you're dating a

recent widower again that's fine doesn't

mean he doesn't love us love his late

wife doesn't mean that he had a bad

marriage but you do need to understand

you know that the widower psychology 101

here is that men have this internal need

for relationships and they're getting

into relationships not necessarily for

the right reasons and so you need to be

sure things are taking slow you need to

set strong boundaries and so you're

basically when you've set boundaries and

you're taking things slow you know the

little were may wanna say hey let's just

let's get super serious when you take

things slow and set boundaries it causes

the the widower to kind of take a step

back and he has to make a decision and

the decision is is it worth respecting

your boundaries or is it worth more to

go out and find somebody maybe without

boundaries or you know something like

that and and that's a good decision that

widowers have to make because if they're

not choosing you and they're not

choosing to respect your boundaries

that's a good sign that they're just not

ready for a serious relationship

so anyway hope this was helpful hope

that gave you some widow or 101

psychology feel free to go ahead and

leave a comment below if you want to

share your own story also feel free to

subscribe and there's another video here

you can watch I'm able keo author

repeating a widower this has been a

discussion of white widow works date

again so soon and I will see you next

Wednesday