When to start dating again after separation
Surviving marital separation. Forward this to anyone recently separated. First things u need to do
let's read a letter from a viewer who
wanted some advice about some things and
I thought I would answer it online and
he doesn't mind if I do that I have his
permission to do so
good morning fine sir
I trust your week was well mine of
course has been a rollercoaster at this
moment I am calm and pissed at the same
time how's that possible right I am
coming to terms with my blue pill past
albeit slowly and yet at the same time
reeling with a host of what the [ __ ] the
ex has been gone for a few days now she
may be with family or friends I really
don't know and I don't care I have
tracked many stats on what is going on
in my body for some time the crazy thing
is watching my blood pressure my heart
rate calorie intake and he says in
parentheses Nutrisystem has nothing on
the weight-loss of divorced true move
with the emotions of the week looking
back at the history I think I think
maybe my body knew things before my head
did and yes in this case both of them I
ordered in red your helpful rules for
life after divorce that was a little a
book that I wrote I'll put a link for
that down below for those that are
divorced two rules caused me to pause
and take inventory rule number two
carefully reflect on how you deal with
conflict and pain along with rule number
three start to evaluate what you really
want and need in a relationship with men
and with women I am still shedding
things mentally and physically working
to shake off the philosophy I bought and
lived hook line and sinker some men have
reached out to offer some support all
but one are betas it's now odd watching
men trying to explain to me that somehow
a life of limited or in my case no sex
and saying yes dear all the time is okay
so [ __ ] sad now to hear them
say it's manly I have so much to learn
and unlearn I have listened to Rollo
Tomassi second book maybe two or three
times now I started listening to
Russia's new book and all I can say is I
truly did not know anything except what
women taught me and beta men reinforced
strange enough while dealing with all
the logistics of change I have created I
needed to make some changes to a cell
plan which could not be handled online
instead of me walking up to the pretty
girl for help and following her around
after I caught myself doing so I chose
to go back or I started and stand in
place and have her come to me which she
did with a warm smile I know some may
say it's just her job but at that moment
I took a baby step and I feel like I
gained a small grain of my manhood back
I don't want to become some prudish dick
after getting to the place where things
feel more level I also don't know how or
if I should have a real conversation
with my grown kids and what does that
even look like my son who is 27 with a
wife and a nine-year-old child witnessed
a raw episode of my decision to leave
with his stepmother because he came to
challenge what I was doing you could see
the anger in his eyes the accusations of
affairs or another woman being involved
was supported by the ex's demeanor and I
don't know why he is choosing to do this
in broken disbelief I watched her lie to
him right in front of me and I lost it
that's when I laid it all out for him to
see I'm so sorry that he saw that side
of me or maybe I'm not so he would take
inventory of his life with his wife and
daughter
he gets browbeat a lot too more my fault
I am sure after watching me be a beta
[ __ ] for so long he did later catch up
with me for dinner and drinks and
nothing was discussed about the day he
later texted and said we will get
through this you have your health and
people that love you too which I broke
down and
cried as you can read I'm all over the
place in this process thank you for
allowing me to stay in touch which I
encouraged your email was another moment
I felt I was finally allowed to tell the
truth and not hide behind another female
beta card of compliance and there's so
many I'm very grateful so I'm starting
from Ground Zero any recommendation I am
open to accept returning to the ex that
relationship is done I wish her well
whatever she becomes it will be without
me thank you
and grateful and that he gives his name
breaking up with someone even if you
initiated it is never easy to do people
think that there's pain just from being
broken up with but when you have to make
a decision to leave somebody and
distance yourself you are still
disrupting behavior patterns in your own
life it you know I've heard people say
it takes about 21 days I've heard people
say 30 days to create new habits if you
get up at let's say 5 o'clock every day
for 21 days on day number 22 it's gonna
feel weird to want to sleep late you'll
be just getting up so there's so many
behaviors and so many nuances and so
many things that you now have in your
life that are part of your life with her
so literally everything it's almost as
if there was a script it has to be torn
up and a new script has to be written
and you are the main actor in that
script so now the thing is this you have
to write your behavior write your
reactions pre-plan your reactions
because it's not over till it's
completely over and you are in
completely different lives in different
directions so rather than being caught
off guard by your emotions because she's
gonna throw curve balls at you that you
never ever expected
and unless you master your own responses
and I tell people the only way to master
things is to pre-plan those responses
because many times you create layers of
difficulty with your responses so first
thing take care of yourself you need to
sleep you need to eat you need to be
hydrated that's absolutely key exercise
is a great stress reliever alcohol is
not keep that in mind
alcohol might calm you down mellow you
out but it disrupts your sleep it's not
good for you when you're going through
grief and it compounds your problems and
then you might say or do things when
you're under the influence evenly under
the influence of one or two drinks that
you could end up regretting and then
you're another layer of removed from the
original problem another thing you need
to do is pre-plan your grief for
instance if it's a situation where you
are brought to tears I would say
pre-plan the crying time if that makes
any sense now some people might say you
know Sultan you talk about being a stoic
a stoic does not mean you are denying
your emotions it means you are delaying
your emotions you remember the story I
told I would get on the Pennsylvania
Turnpike and I had to drive two exits
and I use that as my grieving time in
the morning when I saw the sign like two
miles until the exit where I got off of
the Turnpike that's when I just started
like wiping my eyes but I used that like
15 minutes in the morning if I had to
cry I did but it was a finite period so
I didn't have this free-floating grief
throughout the day if your pre-planned
grieving time is going to be at night
let it be in your pillow scream pound do
whatever you got to do
beat the bed for many people working out
helps but the last thing you want to do
is be like doing curls at the gym and
then just start crying so but don't
neglect your body because letting steam
off through working out is also very
beneficial for you so those are just
some basic things that I want you to do
to help you make it through this period
until the script till the other actors
in the script are completely eliminated
and a new script for your life is
written and it's going to take a while
until a new script is written you need
to stay on schedule stay structured
don't abuse yourself you can allow other
women to help you heal I belong to a
divorce group where they said oh you
shouldn't be dating anyone else I said
[ __ ] I actually had to leave the
group because I didn't I didn't believe
that and then a lot of times people who
are going through men who are going
through divorce are viewed as predators
and churches and different types of
groups so don't wear your separation and
divorce on your sleeve because you're
gonna have the you know like the scarlet
letter addi for divorce or a P for
predator that type of thing and
everybody knows that men who are newly
separated are you know quote unquote
predatorial I don't say that but that's
what a lot of people think so what you
want to do is allow what I say is don't
shut people out I like to say have a
semipermeable heart which allows love to
come out and still allows you to receive
love so if that means and I'm not
talking about falling in love with
anybody I'm talking about if you want to
go and meet a woman for coffee and just
have a feminine presence in your life
women do complement the masculine psyche
the body
it doesn't have to lead to anything it
can be coffee sometimes coffee is just
coffee not everything has to lead to the
sack so those are just some things that
I think would be helpful for you as
you're going through this period of time
it's a transition there is a learning
curve it doesn't happen overnight and
just like any pain in general it
decreases a little bit every day every
day every day every day and you start to
feel normal after a period of time but
until you can feel normal you have to
kind of fake normal and go through the
emotions I think that's a big thing that
most separated and divorced guys have to
get through their heads that it's gonna
take time don't jump into another
relationship don't complicate your life
with any excessive alcohol or drug use
take care of things like proper diet
hydration sleep make sure that you're
getting your body in the shape there's
no better time to get yourself into
shape there's some no better time to put
an extra crease in your shirts and look
better groom yourself better than you
ever have
that's a good start I hope that helps
you and for any other people that are
watching this I'm gonna put a couple
links down below that might be helpful
for you hang in there
life gets better takes a little bit of
time for the dark clouds to move away
from you you'll be fine
