When to start having sex relationship
How Long Should You Wait To Have Sex In A Relationship?
what's good you guys today we are
talking about a topic we love to talk
about very often sex but more
particularly how long should you wait to
have sex in your relationship
I'm Shamika Sanders and beside me are my
co-hosts Cara Kelly and Africa Miranda
let's get into this episode of listen to
black woman when you start a new
relationship some people tend to get
caught up on when they should have sex
some people wait 90 days some people
wait 90 minutes whichever one is best
for you should be determined ultimately
by you a survey by Cornell University in
2012 found that couples who waited at
least six months
to have sex were actually happier than
those who did not which all brings us to
the question of the week how long should
you wait to have sex in a relationship
ladies let's get into it
writer from Adam Noir calm Julie Austen
she brought up the point that hormones
that search through your body when you
have sex is very real and oxytocin is a
real chemical that can have you out here
feeling dick-notized but I think some
people they may wait because they think
okay I'm gonna be able to filter out the
creeps and the cheaters and all of that
and the hard thing about letting that be
the deciding factor is you can find out
somebody as a cheat in a creep ten years
from now you can find out when you're
married like I understand women wanting
to put these protections up but at the
same time there's no guaranteed timeline
to discover the the ugly parts of
somebody and I think for women you know
if you make the decision to wait because
of religious reasons totally fine but I
think it's terrible when women start
using their bodies as a barter deal for
commitment well we all know that sex
sells and in pop culture we see sex a
lot whether it's the romanticizing of it
in movies like love and basketball or
you have people like Ciara where we see
she's had sex and then she marries
Russell Wilson and they actually waited
until they got married same thing with
people like Meghan good and her husband
and they penned the book the weight and
then we see people like Christy Teegan
who had sex with John Legend on the
first date and they're still married
very happily they have two kids and we
watch the wanton strim ever e day even
though there is this wide spectrum and
you
can choose to do whatever you want
people are still trying to push this
narrative upon us there's a hole now
like lucrative like business model of
primarily men telling women what they
need to do you know to be chosen like in
their telling like wait 30 days wait 90
days I feel like honestly it preys on
the insecurities and desperation of
women because there are so many women
that are looking for love and have had
relationships that haven't worked and
I'd like to feel like okay well let me
try anything and you have these men you
know with these hundreds of thousands of
followers which means if it's on the
internet and you have over 50,000 people
following you of course you're an expert
and you know and it's just everybody's
like other than making these people
wealthy and like celebs basically what
like is it guaranteeing that you're
going to find love by waiting no let's
see what these social media streets are
saying Maya underscore 800 wrote I
waited over two months to have sex with
this dude and still he stopped putting
an effort immediately thereafter I don't
know what I'm doing wrong no matter what
I do how long I wait this happens at
this point I'm just sad and tired that I
relate to that because I have had
several experiences where I waited a
long time like five six months and I
noticed that everything would fall apart
as soon as we had sex but I think it's
because the person was so consumed with
the chase of me that they weren't
actually investing and getting to know
me
so I've been through the same thing girl
I get it we also took some at of noir
Instagram account for their perspective
and we got a couple of responses dot
Dilys said I'm not a big believer in
waiting for a long time there's nothing
worse than falling for someone with bad
sex sis me and you were here now you
know you're married to him now you
married a bad dick don't nobody want
that you know sex is a big part of your
relationship and even though I think
some people would like to be like oh all
the love and connection will make up for
it now necessarily true it can be but
and sex is also a form of intimacy and
it helps you build and bond with your
partner so one commenter route if I
could go back and do it all over I'd
wait until I was married that speaks to
me I wouldn't say that I would wait till
I was married but I did read the book
the way and I did have some moments
where I was looking at like my choices
and there are some people I could have
left
my list I just had to learn that I
wasn't somebody that could just like do
it and feel okay and keep it moving I
would be in my feelings I would like him
so I had to also like take onus on
myself of like learning what I could do
and I learned your attachment stuff
exactly I get attached so now I know
it's like I probably do wait longer than
the average person and it's not because
I'm trying to like make somebody prove
themselves to me but I need to make sure
that for really for myself what I can
handle and not handle great boy Kiara
let's take it to the polls as always we
asked our madam Noir calm audience how
they felt about waiting to have sex yes
how long do you typically wait to have
sex with a new partner with 67% saying
until I can't wait no Moe with the
majority they're 28% said until we're in
a committed relationship 5% said I plan
to wait until I'm married
across the gamut yes we also asked have
you ever felt pressured to have sex to
get or to keep a man with 57% saying
never have I ever and 43% saying yep do
you guys think that a lot of women
experience a lot of pressure to have sex
to keep somebody around I don't know if
it's so much a man pressuring them or as
much as it might be an internal message
for themselves like okay I've got to do
this cuz I've never had someone tell me
if you don't have sex I'm gonna leave
you but you definitely do sometimes feel
in a relationship when they're starting
to go bad that you've got to kind of do
anything you know to keep it going we
also ask the audience what connection is
most important in a relationship with
86% of y'all saying emotional okay
and seven percent saying physical and
another seven percent saying financial
it's just very interesting because
emotions can't be the only thing that
keeps the connection that's the lovely
thing to say but and people neglect how
much sex actually is important to the
relationship like a guy is it and that's
what happens though we start putting so
much emphasis on this that it becomes a
negative thing versus it just being like
sex is something that's who people go
through and and you figure it out from
there I love this conversation because
like everybody's so passionate on both
sides it's like wait until you get
married it's like no do it now live your
best life
and Mandy Velez who's a contributor for
HuffPost has her own very passionate
take on the topic and she says that the
argument to wait until marriage
puts X so high on a pedestal that love
and exploration which sex is truly about
are lost to fear and uncertainty and I
will honestly say that if anything that
this whole conversation speaks to me
it's this like I was raised in a very
like hyper religious family and for
those of you raised in families like
that you know you're never taught about
what sex is other than like this is how
babies are made don't do it don't get
pregnant if you do you're gonna die and
you know then but when you do do it you
can only do it when you get married and
then you have children and that's it so
I'm just like where is pleasure where is
knowing your body where is knowing about
compatibility and none of that is spoken
and it's like it makes sex this big
thing but you have no tools to really do
anything with it this always makes it
about the man they can learn and be
promiscuous and they can figure out what
makes them feel good but as women we
never learn we don't given the tools
about what makes you feel good next
thing you know you're 40 you have had
orgasm and you're too afraid to say it
because you don't have the tools to
communicate about it I think also when
we place so much value on chastity or
celibacy it's almost like once that
thing is taken away as if you depreciate
in value like a car and I think it
ignores the fact that we are flesh blood
human and your worth is not going to
degrade or go down because this thing is
no longer a part of your partnership we
learned a lot this episode Africa can
you sum it up for us absolutely wait
don't wait it's up to you your worth is
not tied to whether or not you decide to
wait 30 days 60 days 90 days putting a
ring on it is going to happen because
you and your partner love and cherish
each other not because you waited an
arbitrary amount of time that someone
says you should do loving ourselves in
our bodies should be an expression of
our personal freedom not one of bondage
so live your best sexual life honestly
do what makes you feel good and what
makes you feel safe but again do it
because you need to do it not because
someone tells you because you have the
answer for what's best for you great
point
Africa thank you all for watching again
until we see you next time check us out
on hello beautiful calm Madame Noir calm
and live
that's life do you boo-boo lie
[Music]
