How Long Should You Wait To Have Sex In A Relationship?

what's good you guys today we are

talking about a topic we love to talk

about very often sex but more

particularly how long should you wait to

have sex in your relationship

I'm Shamika Sanders and beside me are my

co-hosts Cara Kelly and Africa Miranda

let's get into this episode of listen to

black woman when you start a new

relationship some people tend to get

caught up on when they should have sex

some people wait 90 days some people

wait 90 minutes whichever one is best

for you should be determined ultimately

by you a survey by Cornell University in

2012 found that couples who waited at

least six months

to have sex were actually happier than

those who did not which all brings us to

the question of the week how long should

you wait to have sex in a relationship

ladies let's get into it

writer from Adam Noir calm Julie Austen

she brought up the point that hormones

that search through your body when you

have sex is very real and oxytocin is a

real chemical that can have you out here

feeling dick-notized but I think some

people they may wait because they think

okay I'm gonna be able to filter out the

creeps and the cheaters and all of that

and the hard thing about letting that be

the deciding factor is you can find out

somebody as a cheat in a creep ten years

from now you can find out when you're

married like I understand women wanting

to put these protections up but at the

same time there's no guaranteed timeline

to discover the the ugly parts of

somebody and I think for women you know

if you make the decision to wait because

of religious reasons totally fine but I

think it's terrible when women start

using their bodies as a barter deal for

commitment well we all know that sex

sells and in pop culture we see sex a

lot whether it's the romanticizing of it

in movies like love and basketball or

you have people like Ciara where we see

she's had sex and then she marries

Russell Wilson and they actually waited

until they got married same thing with

people like Meghan good and her husband

and they penned the book the weight and

then we see people like Christy Teegan

who had sex with John Legend on the

first date and they're still married

very happily they have two kids and we

watch the wanton strim ever e day even

though there is this wide spectrum and


can choose to do whatever you want

people are still trying to push this

narrative upon us there's a hole now

like lucrative like business model of

primarily men telling women what they

need to do you know to be chosen like in

their telling like wait 30 days wait 90

days I feel like honestly it preys on

the insecurities and desperation of

women because there are so many women

that are looking for love and have had

relationships that haven't worked and

I'd like to feel like okay well let me

try anything and you have these men you

know with these hundreds of thousands of

followers which means if it's on the

internet and you have over 50,000 people

following you of course you're an expert

and you know and it's just everybody's

like other than making these people

wealthy and like celebs basically what

like is it guaranteeing that you're

going to find love by waiting no let's

see what these social media streets are

saying Maya underscore 800 wrote I

waited over two months to have sex with

this dude and still he stopped putting

an effort immediately thereafter I don't

know what I'm doing wrong no matter what

I do how long I wait this happens at

this point I'm just sad and tired that I

relate to that because I have had

several experiences where I waited a

long time like five six months and I

noticed that everything would fall apart

as soon as we had sex but I think it's

because the person was so consumed with

the chase of me that they weren't

actually investing and getting to know


so I've been through the same thing girl

I get it we also took some at of noir

Instagram account for their perspective

and we got a couple of responses dot

Dilys said I'm not a big believer in

waiting for a long time there's nothing

worse than falling for someone with bad

sex sis me and you were here now you

know you're married to him now you

married a bad dick don't nobody want

that you know sex is a big part of your

relationship and even though I think

some people would like to be like oh all

the love and connection will make up for

it now necessarily true it can be but

and sex is also a form of intimacy and

it helps you build and bond with your

partner so one commenter route if I

could go back and do it all over I'd

wait until I was married that speaks to

me I wouldn't say that I would wait till

I was married but I did read the book

the way and I did have some moments

where I was looking at like my choices

and there are some people I could have


my list I just had to learn that I

wasn't somebody that could just like do

it and feel okay and keep it moving I

would be in my feelings I would like him

so I had to also like take onus on

myself of like learning what I could do

and I learned your attachment stuff

exactly I get attached so now I know

it's like I probably do wait longer than

the average person and it's not because

I'm trying to like make somebody prove

themselves to me but I need to make sure

that for really for myself what I can

handle and not handle great boy Kiara

let's take it to the polls as always we

asked our madam Noir calm audience how

they felt about waiting to have sex yes

how long do you typically wait to have

sex with a new partner with 67% saying

until I can't wait no Moe with the

majority they're 28% said until we're in

a committed relationship 5% said I plan

to wait until I'm married

across the gamut yes we also asked have

you ever felt pressured to have sex to

get or to keep a man with 57% saying

never have I ever and 43% saying yep do

you guys think that a lot of women

experience a lot of pressure to have sex

to keep somebody around I don't know if

it's so much a man pressuring them or as

much as it might be an internal message

for themselves like okay I've got to do

this cuz I've never had someone tell me

if you don't have sex I'm gonna leave

you but you definitely do sometimes feel

in a relationship when they're starting

to go bad that you've got to kind of do

anything you know to keep it going we

also ask the audience what connection is

most important in a relationship with

86% of y'all saying emotional okay

and seven percent saying physical and

another seven percent saying financial

it's just very interesting because

emotions can't be the only thing that

keeps the connection that's the lovely

thing to say but and people neglect how

much sex actually is important to the

relationship like a guy is it and that's

what happens though we start putting so

much emphasis on this that it becomes a

negative thing versus it just being like

sex is something that's who people go

through and and you figure it out from

there I love this conversation because

like everybody's so passionate on both

sides it's like wait until you get

married it's like no do it now live your

best life

and Mandy Velez who's a contributor for

HuffPost has her own very passionate

take on the topic and she says that the

argument to wait until marriage

puts X so high on a pedestal that love

and exploration which sex is truly about

are lost to fear and uncertainty and I

will honestly say that if anything that

this whole conversation speaks to me

it's this like I was raised in a very

like hyper religious family and for

those of you raised in families like

that you know you're never taught about

what sex is other than like this is how

babies are made don't do it don't get

pregnant if you do you're gonna die and

you know then but when you do do it you

can only do it when you get married and

then you have children and that's it so

I'm just like where is pleasure where is

knowing your body where is knowing about

compatibility and none of that is spoken

and it's like it makes sex this big

thing but you have no tools to really do

anything with it this always makes it

about the man they can learn and be

promiscuous and they can figure out what

makes them feel good but as women we

never learn we don't given the tools

about what makes you feel good next

thing you know you're 40 you have had

orgasm and you're too afraid to say it

because you don't have the tools to

communicate about it I think also when

we place so much value on chastity or

celibacy it's almost like once that

thing is taken away as if you depreciate

in value like a car and I think it

ignores the fact that we are flesh blood

human and your worth is not going to

degrade or go down because this thing is

no longer a part of your partnership we

learned a lot this episode Africa can

you sum it up for us absolutely wait

don't wait it's up to you your worth is

not tied to whether or not you decide to

wait 30 days 60 days 90 days putting a

ring on it is going to happen because

you and your partner love and cherish

each other not because you waited an

arbitrary amount of time that someone

says you should do loving ourselves in

our bodies should be an expression of

our personal freedom not one of bondage

so live your best sexual life honestly

do what makes you feel good and what

makes you feel safe but again do it

because you need to do it not because

someone tells you because you have the

answer for what's best for you great


Africa thank you all for watching again

until we see you next time check us out

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