Saying “NO” To Your Child: Ep 14 Soul Reflections: BK Shivani (English Subtitles)

Greetings and welcome to Awakening With Brahma Kumaris. Welcome, Sister.

Om Shanti.

Om Shanti and welcome to Soul Reflections.

Thank you.

A doctor has written about children. He says - you love them all right. But when you shell them from the adversities of life

What you are doing is bringing them up in a sterile environment.

The result - the moment they are exposed to the world

Their immunity buckles up.

And they want to run away from everything that is anything but comfortable.

Tell them - Money is limited. And let them learn to listen to a lot of "NO".

Most children today are suffering from Vitamin-N deficiency.

They do not get enough of hearing a "No".

Give them 100% of what they need, and only 25% of what they want.

This is awakening.

But a parent might not like this advice.

They say they will bring up their child with a lot of love.

We will give him everything that he wants.

They say otherwise self-esteem reduces.

Self-esteem reduces?

They say when another child is travelling by Mercedes, why not my child?

We are teaching our children such belief systems.

They don't have such beliefs in them.

We are teaching such belief right now. In a few years it will become their belief as well.

When it actually becomes their belief system, it starts troubling the parents.

When parents are imposing this belief by themselves, they feel it is right.

But the day it becomes their child's belief and no longer their belief, they say their child is a victim of peer pressure.

But who taught peer pressure to the child, for him to behave like that at some point?

If your peers are doing, something you also need to do that - who taught it to the child?

A small kid of 2 years or 3 years of age will not even know such things.

If another child's parent is hosting a party at a 5-star hotel, another cannot host his son's party at a canteen or any other small place.

I was talking to you about a child who studies in a very reputed School. iPads are being given there as return gifts to every student in birthday parties.

So what should we give to the child as a gift?

We should we buy something more expensive than that?

If the return gift is an iPad then our gift to that child should be at least double that cost.

And when it is our child's birthday what are we going to do?

Where is our focus? On money and being ahead of others when it comes to using that money.

Last time the quotation that your read was - Don't give them more than what you had, make them more than what you were.

But here we are talking of giving them more than what you had.

Not just 'had', it has changed to 'has'. People don't mind borrowing from others to give their children.

So the line you read was beautiful. You love your child which is a very good thing.

But don't keep them in a shelter or shell which is like a shield.

Saying that my child should not face any trouble.

We are protecting the child, that he should not face any difficulty at all.

So it is like a protective shell or shield within which I keep my child so that he is safe there without troubles.

From morning till night everything should be comfortable.

The quote also said that if you raise your child in this shielded environment, tomorrow when he comes out into the world.

His immunity system will buckle up or crash.

He cannot adjust in that environment.

It is like - if we were brought up in an environment which is very clean and hygienic, where there is no pollution at all.

And suddenly you move to another place where there is environment pollution.

Our health gets affected.

So we say that we were brought up in such a clean environment that the pollution in this city is not suiting us, it is affecting our health.

We were taught since our childhood - that we can digest anything that we eat. Which means - work hard, fall, get up, face the problems and do everything.

Today when we keep our child protected in a shell, we are protecting him from the emotional environment more than the physical environment.

He should not face any issues, and like that line said - Parents are not saying a "No" to that child.

20 years from now, when he comes out into an environment where he has to listen to a "No" in several situations.

He has used a beautiful word - Vitamin-N deficiency.

Vitamin-N deficiency will not be seen affecting that kid today.

When will it become visible? Not even in school, but when he goes to college or gets married.

In his relationships and profession - then he will face problems.

Because he has not received Vitamin-N right from now.

So he is not used to hearing a "No" today. Whatever he wishes for and whenever he wants them, he is getting it all.

Today if we ask anybody the reason for their anger or tension.

When somebody does not listen to me, when somebody says "No" to my words. So many times I say - I do not like the word NO.

Whenever people and situations are not my way.

That is when I get angry. This is what we commonly hear.

You revise the scenes to see when you got angry last.

When were we stressed, the last time? When people and situations are not the way I want them to be.

I expected people to be a particular way.

They behaved a different way.

I got angry.

When people don't obey me and do things their way.

I felt bad or I got angry.

Very small reasons. It is an analysis that when people.

Let us take out and analyse the last situation when we were angry.

When people and situations are not my way.

Which means are emotional equation is that when people and situations are my way, I will be happy.

When they are not the way I want them to be, I will get angry.

This is our situation today despite our generation being the one which had heard enough NO's in childhood.

So we don't probably have much of Vitamin-N deficiency from our childhood.

We heard enough number of NO's. Either we were denied things or they could not be afforded.

So we all had enough Vitamin-N in childhood.

But despite all that, even today we have a Sanskar within us that when people and situations are not our way, we get angry.

So if we think of today's children - how will they be 20 years from now?

They have not heard enough No's right now.

Probably they will not even know how it can be possible for people and situations to Not be their way.

They got so many things even before asking, in their childhood.

And they have got used to getting things their way.

That is why he beautifully analyses that this deficiency will later on manifest into an illness. That is why he started calling it a deficiency.

It will take the form of a disease emotionally and physically also.

Because when that child will grow up and enter an environment where people and situations will not be his way.

He will not know how to face the situation.

Even if we can't do anything outside he will not be able to calm his mind.

Because he is not habituated to that - that things cannot be his way.

These days we need so many people who do not want to live with each other in relationships.

We need some children who have started to study particular stream or course

But suddenly they just don't feel like studying it anymore.

If we ask them a simple question - Why do you not want to study this?

They say they don't feel like studying.

Likewise if you ask why they don't feel like living with the other person

They say - I just don't feel like living with this person.

They will not even have a very substantial answer.

And they find this answer enough - that they don't feel like doing this.

They say - If I don't feel like doing it, I should not be doing it.

They are very proud to say - I do not do anything which I don't feel like doing.

When we come to this line, that I don't do anything which I don't feel like.

Then there is going to be a lot of turbulence here in our life.

Because what was that child taught from childhood? Do what you feel like.

Like you said, parents say - You don't want to eat food, okay switch on the television.

The child is not told - you need to eat your food without watching television.

Sometime back I came across a parent telling her child - You do not like Dosa? I should prepare Idli for you.

The child said he wanted bread and jam. She immediately made arrangements to give him that.

There were 6 items already on the dining table.

After few days our family doctor was not available, and they had to take that child to a different doctor.

The doctor said do not even keep multiple items on the dining table. Just keep one dish.

If the child refuses to eat, just tell him that he can eat it later.

After half an hour again serve the same dish.

Don't give him a different dish.

If he refuses again, does not matter. She will eat it after 1 hour.

He will be fine and eat it.

This family just did not like the doctor.

They never went back to him after that.

Didn't like the doctor? See.

Let me narrate another story. There was a small child.

That child loved butterflies. He saw a Caterpillar which was still in the cocoon.

The child saw that Caterpillar struggling in that cocoon or shell and could not bear its struggle to come out as a butterfly.

The child thinks - why not I break it open and make it easy for it.

So he took up late and cut open the shell very lovingly.

So the butterfly easily came out.

That butterfly just stayed still. It just did not move.

Within a few moments the butterfly died.

The kid cried. But later he was told that unless the butterfly puts in that effort and struggle to break open the shell or cocoon.

Its muscles and wings just cannot get develop any strength.

So the effort it took send to break open that shell is an exercise essential for it.

That is the reason when he took it out by breaking it open yourself, it died.

It means you made the process of breaking open the shell comfortable, for the butterfly.

But the bottom line is that child became responsible for its death.

You did not let it go through that exercise ab strengthening.

You thought it is difficult for it to break open and wanted to help.

That trouble was about to become its strength.

But trouble would have given it the power to fly.

When we were children we were told that getting hurt is a part of growth.

Growth is not just of that part, they said it was an overall growth.

It is an overall growth of the soul.

If we just remember that story that going through that trouble will give it the strength

But the base is that - I love my butterflies.

I love my butterfly. Today's parents are saying - I love my children.

The doctor's words which we shared are so beautiful. We can apply it at the level of food.

Today majority of the parents are saying their kids do not eat certain things.

They say their kids do not eat vegetables or pulses and some kids do not drink milk.

There are so many things which they don't like to eat or drink. And even after so many years that kid grows up but still refuses to eat those items.

Why? Because that effort was not put in during his childhood

He was not put into a habit of eating whatever is given to eat.

These days parents say - as children we will do whatever we were told. We never had a mind of our own.

They say - So now we ask our children what they want to eat and give them different options. My child has a mind of his own.

Yes but my child is getting used to having only whatever he wants.

Today if you are a parent you might still do all these things. But tomorrow when he gets his spouse, will she do the same for him?

And this does not apply only to food. Will that spouse be the way your child wants?

This is very important.

When we are saying that we give our child everything that he wants

We need to remember that life is not going to give him everything which he wants.

We sit in our lives also. Even in our day to day life, situations are not the way we want them to be.

Will that child have the power to cross the situation or to handle that relationship well

When the other person is not the way your child wants them to be.

Nobody can teach at that time. It is also an art to be taught now.

It is such a beautiful line that this doctor has said.

Vitamin-N deficiency - deficiency of the habit of hearing a "No."

It means a habit of adjusting to situations when they are not going to be my way.

It should be a habit.

If we just take up this doctor's advice today

Just give your child only one thing to eat. If he does not want to eat. Never mind. Let him not eat at that time.

You shared last time that parents say - at least the child is eating something, so what if he is busy with the iPad while eating.

Now we need to change that habit in the child.

In the same way we need to change many of their habits.

First step is to understand that the habit is not healthy.

We saw last time that it is not right emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

It is not good for the eyes, for brain coordination

It is also not good for the nutrition going into the body.

And finally it's not good for the willpower of the child.

So now the parents should have the conviction that the habit has to change, despite any effort we have to put in for that.

But in any case it will not be that difficult.

But the connection and belief system should be there that the habit has to change.

And like this doctor advised - just give the child one dish.

And if he does not eat, it is okay.

If he does not eat even after 2 hours, it is still okay.

If a child does not eat anything even for half a day, nothing will go wrong.

But today if he becomes a slave to this habit, then it will be very damaging for him in future.

We should not look at the short term benefits.

Your point about the spouse getting adjusted was a good one. Because later on it becomes difficult.

I heard a girl saying the other day - I have lived all my life independently. I lived outside India.

She said - I lived in a hostel so I was used to going out and coming back as per my own wish. I didn't need permission from anyone.

She said - This is how I am.

So where is the adjustment?

Does not matter that you lived abroad.

Does not matter that you lived in a different culture.

Today your culture has changed and you are a part of a large family.

You are having to follow a few customs or disciplines.

But if you don't have the sanskar of adapting, and the sanskars of doing a few things for the sake of the family, even if not for you.

You could create that Sanskar, no matter where you live.

It does not matter whether you lived in India or abroad.

It depends on whether the Sanskar adjustment was taught to you as a child.

Wherever you are, in whatever environment, and with whoever it could be

How should you adapt and live with them?

We were talking about kids not eating food without using iPad for watching television.

Let any parent today start this experiment.

Let them experiment with this situation which is so rampant that we have given it a label of being normal.

The first step is the conviction in the parent that this habit is harmful for my child so it has to go.

The conviction that this habit has to go, no matter what.

With full conviction, faith and belief, radiated to the child.

They need not even say anything, just radiate to the child.

Second is to create a very powerful thought for the child - that the child is going to eat today without asking for anything else.

The other day we had seen that if the problem is this big, what kind of thoughts are to be given to it.

Right now what is the problem - My child is not eating food without gadgets switched on.

Right now what is the energy we have been giving?

We say - He will not eat without it. At least with the gadget he will eat something. So many children eat the same way.

With such thoughts, the problem increases from 50 to 60.

Now let us give it a thought - Today my child will eat his food lovingly, without any gadgets and technology around.

Not that he should eat, but create a thought that he will eat.

The moment he said you will eat it lovingly today, we gave him a blessing.

The environment changes, our thought process changed, our aura changed.

What message did we give to the child?

I was speaking at a program the other day.

And asked what is the problem with parents face with children.

A parent said that children these days do not eat properly.

I said - look at the thought process itself which has become a belief system of the parents, that children do not eat properly.

So the thought which constantly goes on in their mind even while they are making effort to change the habit - my child will not eat properly.

They say - He will anyway not it but let me try.

Even when their cooking the food what vibrations do they radiate into it?

I am putting so much effort but no idea if he will eat it.

Vibration, energy, thought process, blessing.

Now if the parent changes his thought process and while cooking food

Add vibrations into that food.

Again we are coming back to the same point - Whatever is the reality, do not think of it.

Whatever is your desire, create a vibration of that desire.

Reality is that right now the child is not eating.

The desire is that he should eat the food happily.

So what thought should be created?

My child eats food very happily.

My child eats all vegetables.

This is empowerment with vibrations.

This is soul empowerment. We are strengthening the soul.

And in the process of strengthening the child, we are strengthening ourselves.

Instead if we created so many thoughts of anxiety fear and radiated them to the child.

And when the child will not eat we say - I knew he would not it.

But may psychiatrists and mothers say today

That if we ask children what they want, their confidence increases. Ask them what you want to wear today, you select on your own. Select what you want to eat today.

Just sit in silence for a minute and ask yourself

If there is something in life which I have not experienced since my childhood

If I have no idea how it would be and suddenly when I reach 25 or 30 years of age

If I have to live with that every moment, will I be able to live?

Then we say we got married to the wrong person.

Actually we don't get married to the wrong person

The other person is not wrong.

Even that child is not at fault here.

But since childhood he was told - you will get what you want, you choose whatever you like.

Even if after 25 years you choose your spouse.

But how that spouse would behave with you every moment?

Or the way he or she talks to you is not something you can choose.

And when he cannot use it

Even the spouse needs to be given that freedom like how parents give to the child - to choose.

But there will say - You should do as I say.

We can give them the choice when it comes to food and clothes. But when we talk about giving a choice to a child

When the kid gets a choice of choosing everything as per his own likes

What kind of Sanskars are developed in him?

When you are at the age of 30 or 40 if you are given a choice to choose your food and clothes, it will not make so much of a difference.

They are very small things in your life because now you are saying big situations in life at that age.

But in a small child's life, these are big things for a 3 or 4-year-old child.

His food, playing with technology, sleep.

So in his small world, he is getting everything as per his choice.

Earlier when the girl got married parents would say - from today you don't exist for us.

They told her to do whatever she was asked to do there and be the way they want her to be. They would even change her name.

They would teach her so much.

That now she has to do, behave and live the way that family wants.

So that child would be taught from a very young age

That she would go to another house so she should know how to be and do things. It was like a programming, a practice and a teaching of many many years.

That she should know everything because they don't know what she will need to do tomorrow.

They would never tell her - you will get whatever you want, do whatever you feel like doing, live the way you want to live.

They would not teach her such things.

And these are things which you can teach a 25-year-old person.

It has to be done with small kids. So today we need to hold on to this line.

Give them 100% of what they need, and 25% of what they want.

But again important will be to check

What are the things we categorize as Need and as Want.

So we should not blame any child. We will call it the duty of parents today.

Very true.

Thank you so much.

Om Shanti.

Om Shanti. Thank you.